by Jason Tudor
"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end" gets
uttered by a bartender named Coughlin in a film called "Cocktail." That
he uttered those words in "Cocktail," one of the 1980's 10 Worst
"Films With Feathered Hair and Acrobatic Drinking Tricks" doesn't
mean the phrase isn't worth examining in light of recent events.
I'll just throw out a few as retrospective: Octomom. Jersey Shore. John
Edwards. Crystal Pepsi. The Magic Johnson Hour. 24-hour cable news (Wait. That
still exists ...). Even "Cocktail" ended by allowing Tom Cruise to
make more movies. This is life's little cruel stubbing of its own toe over and
over again.
Conversely, An Army of Ermas ends its run Sept. 30. By no means will it
end badly. Rather, it will simply end. And there should be more: fireworks,
live sign-off, ticker-tape parade, immigrants selling fake Rolex watches and
glowing light sticks. You get the idea.
This thing shouldn't end, but it will. So, in reflection, let's peek at
what Ermas has brought you:
-- As of this
writing, there are 410 columns written by about 30 different columnists. So,
almost every other day for the past two years, one of us has told you about
driving Fieros, boob smashing or cooking something delicious. To recap: cars,
boobs and food. You win.
-- Much like the
mixed drinks Cruise's Brian Flanagan makes, the stories you've been introduced
to come from a line-up of funny, talented people with diverse, wonderful backgrounds.
Stalk them like old boyfriends. Every single one of them will be more famous
than Usain Bolt's after-parties before you know it.
-- If the numbers
are right, you've shared this stuff like college kids share good weed (or, at
least, that's what the college kids tell me). In other words, Ermas are all
over the Web like a snotty cold at a daycare center. Again, that's a good
thing. So many of my colleagues deserve that electron-warming loving that only
you can provide with the stroke of a 'send' or 'like' button.
There's more to be
sure. For my own part, I've scratched out about two dozen columns and waited
for the comments to roll in. Sometimes there were many and with others, the
crickets kept me company as we watched the stars twinkle in the midnight of the
Internet. That's okay. Humor, especially the kind that Erma Bombeck wrote, is
tough, like seeing Elisabeth Shue suck it up for 104 minutes next to Cruise's
Foghorn Leghorn rooster hair. I won some. I lost some.
And rather than
Elmer Fudd blasting Daffy Duck's bill around to the other side of his face for
the next 20 days or so, you'll get another version of Looney Tunes. Our version.
It's more like the colonoscopy that went A-OK. And, no: it won't end badly, but
like "Cocktail" with a brand new bar and twins on the way, it will
end.
To quote my
beloved editor of this site, "Now, scoot."
Jason Tudor is a
writer and illustrator. He is also the creator and co-host of the hour-long
podcast "The Science Fiction Show." You can continue to find him at
www.jasontudor.com or www.myscifishow.com.
