How it started...

I had a craving for a cream-filled coffeecake cupcake. My husband just stared. The shock was understandable. I’m a vegetarian, priding myself on organic cooking and a healthy lifestyle. Cream-filled coffeecakes were not in my diet. Neither were cheeseburgers, but the urge to chow down on a big, fat, juicy hunk of meat was undeniable. Slather it with ketchup, mustard, pickles, cheese, and I could have inhaled it in two bites. I spared him from the details of my dietary desires. Instead, I suggested a trip to the drugstore. It was time for test.

The box said to pee on the stick in the morning for the most accurate results and I instantly wondered if that made you more pregnant in the morning. What kind of mother would I be, asking idiotic questions like that? The kit came with two tests, so I decided to take one right away. Morning was 12 hours longer than I wanted to wait, but the next two minutes seemed like an eternity. In that vast white space between being a couple and becoming parents, questions flooded my mind. Can we afford a baby? How much will insurance pay? When will I finish school? Where will we put a child in our little townhouse? Do babies like to travel? Do kids? Will my hair fall out? Will it grow back? Can you shave your legs at 9 months pregnant? Will I want to? Why do they call it morning sickness if it lasts all day? Will I ever be able to eat again? Can a baby grow if I’m not eating? Am I already malnourishing a child? How much will it weight? How much will it hurt? Oh my god, will I need stitches? Will I make it out alive?

Panic. Pure terror gripped me and I walked out of the bathroom to sit on the bed. We sat for the next few minutes in near silence, pondering the changes to our lives. Dan broke the quiet.

“A baby! This could be good news,” his color matched mine, but his grin was unmistakable. I smiled at him and began my slow walk to back to the bathroom.

And the test said I was pregnant. Twice. Yes, I took it again. By the second positive, new questions reached out of the corners of my mind. Will we have a boy or a girl? A boy? What color eyes will he have? Will I be able to make him laugh? What will his personality be like? Will he be healthy? Happy? Squeezable? Will he sleep? Will I? Will he have siblings? Will I be a good mom? When will I hear his heartbeat? Will these questions ever end?

After 4 years and a million more questions, I’m fairly certain I found the answer to at least one of them. I'll let you decide which.

~Read more from Sara over at The Hero Complex where she tries to save the world, one. blog. post. at. a. time.