More Effective than eHarmony!

by Sarah Garb

Are you single this Valentine’s Day?  Well have no fear—take some love advice from third graders and you’ll be dating in no time!  They have vast experience, what with the steady stream of love notes, the budding playground relationships, and the partner dancing in P.E.  As Lucas once put it, “Third grade has turned into LOVE grade!”  The actual quotes and notes below will guide you through every relationship stage from pick-up lines to break-ups.

The Pick-Up

If you’re just starting out in your relationship quest and are looking for that all-important pick-up line, consider taking a cue from Tyson’s note to me one day in my teacher mailbox.  “How come you are not married?  You are beautiful and stuff.”  That is practically guaranteed to work at a bar or your next singles kickball game.  What woman doesn’t want to be called beautiful?  And stuff?

Compliments are another surefire way to get the conversation rolling.  Take this one from a confiscated love note: “My sister thinks your dad is hot!!”  Total turn-on, right ladies?

Another note-writer hit upon what I think is a pretty fail-safe conversation starter with the object of your affection.  “How are you doing?  Fine?  Sexy?  How?” 

Definitely be direct.  Whoever said that revealing your true feelings has to be any more complicated than a few well-placed hearts?  Simply replace any vowels in the name of the person you’re after, and it’s practically a done deal.  To guarantee, though, that this sentiment is made crystal clear, you would do well to model your email headings after Jalil’s note to Savannah.

To:  S-v-nn-h

From: Jalil

Date: March 6^th

Time: 10:12 am

Reason:  I want to let you know I like you!

When you’re really putting yourself out there, you’ll want some confirmation that the feelings are mutual.  The best way to achieve this is undoubtedly the “circle yes or no” option.  Followed by a threat.

I really like you because you are the most prettiest girl I ever seen. 

Would you like to be my girlfriend yes or no. 

P.S. give back on the way back from recess.

Don’t let nobody see this or you are dead.

If Rebuffed

Dear Daniel,

  I broke up with Steven.  Do you like me?

  yes or no

     from Becky

Much though we’d like to think that the “circle yes or no” will result in a yes, there is the potential for a circled no.  If this happens to you in your quest for love, as it did to Becky, do not be dissuaded!  The appropriate response in this situation is to insult the other woman and question your crush’s taste.  Anyone out looking for love but finding “no” can certainly take a lesson from Becky’s last-ditch effort to change Daniel’s mind. 

“Emma has freckles and she is so ugly.  How can you like someone so ugly?”

Breaking Up

Let’s face it--breaking up is a fact of the dating world.  It’s difficult to know just what to say, but these elementary suggestions can help you find an effective approach.  Why make breaking up any more difficult than three simple sentences?

“I don’t love you.  I love Trevor and Marcus.  But I kinda like you.”

And if it has to be done, Michael has the perfect way to let someone down easy.

“I’m not really into girls.  I’m more into Godzilla.”

If you are successful in the pursuit of a relationship and find yourself heading to that next level, some rock solid third grade marriage advice can be found at Sarah’s blog, Dead Class Pets.