Looking For Shiny New Members

by Janna Qualman

Hi! My name is Janna, and I’m founder and sole member of the Hate 2 Paint Club.

Are you repulsed by the idea of putting on unattractive work clothes? Does the smell of interior paint (or exterior paint, for that matter) make you uncomfortable? Is a roller sponge the last thing you want to hold in your weak and prone-to-cramp hand? Do you loathe physical exertion, particularly when said exertion includes climbing up and down and balancing on a ladder, bending and squatting to dip your brush or refill your tray? Are you tired of repairing, filling, taping, sanding, priming, edging, trimming, and walls that take more than two coats?

(Me, too. All of that.)

Well then, this club is for you, and oh boy, are you ever in luck! For one day and one day only, you can become a member of my exclusive (and pseudo-popular) society of unenthusiast(s). Call me now at 1 (555) NO-PAINT, and, assuming I’m not making a meal for my family, or reading to my kids, or indulging in chocolate, or watching a replay of last week’s The Bachelor finale (can you believe what Brad did?), I’ll answer the phone right away, because I’m waiting to talk to you! Phone line is open. (If my second grader isn’t gabbing with her BFF about Webkinz again.)

What you cannot afford to miss is my low, low introductory one-year membership fee of $3.48. (Payment through PayPal is fine. In fact, it’s preferred, because it is so darn secure.) That’s right, less than four Washingtons gets you an official certificate (printed on my neighbor’s own HP), a cozy throw made of sheer plastic drop cloths, an unsharpened pencil (since no one will expect you to paint with that), and a really cool pair of Hannah Montana sunglasses (one size fits all)*.

Act now!

Call within the next twenty two and a half minutes to receive a fantastic bonus gift! Get my first edition audio cassette. It took two dozen tries, but I really think I got the rhythm of my speaking down, and trust me, you’ll rave over the full symposium on the benefits of hired labor, a detailed breakdown of the price per ounce of Kilz, and a touching member testimonial.

You’ll hear the heart-wrenching story about how my husband and I bought a house that needed a ground-breaking, inside and out, top to bottom redo, and how in the process of our five year remodel I’ve painted more walls and ceilings and corners than I dare remember. You’ll hear how this club (after its full formation) helped me define my fear, find the strength to run from it, and learn how to say, “No, I will not help you paint your 2000 square foot living room.”

I’m telling you, we can ignore those family members who say painting is the easiest way to freshen up a space. Forget that it’s economical, and can often be done in one day. Who needs it? No one in the Hate 2 Paint Club, that’s for sure.

Tell your like-minded friends! The more the merrier.

Please? I’d really enjoy having more club members.

Call me.

*colors may vary

Janna Qualman’s passion is women’s fiction, which, thank goodness, has nothing to do with painting, but she likes the switch things up with an occasional humor piece. Do visit her and learn more at Something She Wrote. 

Image credit: Foxnews.com