The Straight. The Proud. The Observant.

by Pauline Campos

I swear I’m married to the only straight man in the history of the world who notices a new pair of shoes hidden under the cuffs of my flare-bottom jeans. I bet my mom $5 he’d notice, and she owes me.

We trekked out to the stores the other day for a little retail therapy and The Husband knew I was coming home with A pair of cross trainers (for the workouts I keep promising myself I’m gonna do). And I bought them. But I also found the cutest pair of Skechers that were just calling my name. So I left with two boxes and rationalized that the Skechers were actually an investment since they would be my dedicated everyday shoes and therefore would save my new Pumas from
needless abuse and thereby lengthen their precious lifespan by months while I troll around the house and Tucson doing Mom-stuff and really, that totally makes the sixty extra bucks I spent on the second pair of shoes a smart move on my part, right?

Right?

And yet, a little part of me was really hoping this would be the one time in our entire relationship that The Husband would not use his “I’m Observant, not gay” powers of observation to scope out the new kicks I was planning on sneaking in.

I didn’t make it two steps in the door when he oh-so-casually says, “New shoes, huh?”

Oops.

Keep in mind that I had purposely left the empty box for the Skechers I wore home at the store to try and cover my ass. Not that it mattered. I’ve tried everything, including the classic “Buy It Now and Hide It in My Closet for Three Months” move before walking past The Husband in the shoes/dress/T-shirt/Purse I had thought I had so brilliantly Deep-Covered into my wardrobe only to have to answer a raised eyebrow accompanied by a “And how long have you had that?”

“What?” I’d blurt out in my best “What the hell are you smoking now?” voice.

“The (insert item here) you thought you were gonna get past me.”

“Oh,” eyes wide and oh-so-not-innocent. “I’ve had it for months.” Which was technically true.

Gimme that lie detector!

By this time, he’d be laughing. Hard. “I’m surprised you made it this long before pulling it out. That must have killed you!”

Oh snap.

Busted again.