Baloney. No. Wait. Not that Kind …

by Jason Tudor

Most of the known world gives up eating bologna sometime after middle school becomes high school. It falls away like fruit roll-ups and chugging Sunny Delight. I never did. I love bologna like fat kids love … bologna.

That said, as an adult, there are very few dishes that can be prepared with bologna. For instance, bologna fajitas will never EVER be a reality. Neither will that slow-cooked, Crock Pot-made bologna roast. There are, however, three things that can be made with bologna that won’t get your adult card pulled. These are they:

The first is Bavarian Wurstsalat. I’ve eaten Angela Merkel’s weight in this stuff since I’ve lived in Bavaria (just past three years). As my wife says, it’s bologna in vinegar, but it’s so much more than that; it’s more like a vinegar-soaked golden unicorn splashing in a bologna fountain spraying gherkin pickle drops and rainbows all over the glowing dinner table. Unicorns aside, here’s the recipe, via Wikipedia:

“To prepare the dish, the (bologna) is cut into thin slices or strips and placed, along with raw onion rings or cubes, in a vinegar and oil marinade, lightly seasoned with salt and pepper. Common additional ingredients are finely cut gherkins, radishes, parsley or chives. Wurstsalat is normally served with bread and sometimes also with fried potatoes.

The aforementioned unicorn loving wurstsalat. (Photo from Wikipedia)

The second dish isn’t for the faint-hearted and I gave it up sometime before my military service started. My lower-middle class upbringing, however, demanded some innovation when the cupboard ran bare of Oreos, potato chips or something else that could be better classified as food. Here it is:

The Bologna and Peanut Butter Sandwich

Two slices of wheat bread

Two tablespoons of peanut butter, smeared over the bread

Two slices of thick-cut bologna

Sliced bananas (optional)

I know. Mmm. As mentioned, I abandoned this culinary delight sometime before Cyndi Lauper jumped her She-Bop over the 1980s shark, but before that I ate four or five of these a week. I swear I didn’t swallow lead paint chips as a child, though my mother won’t admit to dropping me on my head.

Finally, in a pinch, a two other suggestions:

·         Fry a couple of slices of bologna in a pan. Roll up and dip in mustard.

·         Wrap cold bologna around a cooked hot dog, drop on the bun and dress with mustard.

Is bologna baloney? Hardly. Try the wurstsalat and prove me wrong. Just leave the peanut butter in the cupboard.

Jason Tudor can still be found pushing two slices of rye bread, cheddar cheese slices and a 1/4 cup of mustard together for lunch – occasionally. He is to creator and cohost of the Science Fiction Show podcast at www.myscifishow.com and the editor-in-chief for the upcoming science fiction anthology “Battlespace” published by the Science Fiction Show and Knightwatch Press.