I Resolve to Not Resolve

by Angie Mansfield

I don't like to brag, but it's only the end of January and I've already fulfilled my resolutions for the year.

See, I don't go for the traditional resolutions; while everyone else is vowing to lay off cigarettes, overeating, and kicking small children, I am making more realistic promises to myself. That way, I can avoid the self-loathing that comes from breaking down and having that first cigarette, eating that first Snickers bar, and chasing that first eight-year-old down the block.

No, no impossible resolutions for me. Instead, I made only three resolutions this year, and knocked them all out in the first three weeks, leaving myself the rest of the year totally guilt-free.

I can smile smugly while the smoking-quitter starts snorting the contents of every ash tray he comes across and goes dumpster-diving for butts. I can roll my eyes in a superior manner while the newly-minted fitness buff drags herself out of bed to "work out" exactly three times before giving up in shame. I can tsk-tsk in disapproval as the cranky old man next door sits scowling at the neighborhood children on their way to school, his feet twitching every time one of them strays an inch onto his lawn, until finally he can take no more and chases them down the street with his cane raised overhead.

All of their resolutions are the result of good intentions, and we all know where those lead. So while making my resolutions this year, I cut out good intentions altogether and went instead for "easy and vaguely evil."

I'm sure you're dying of curiosity, wondering what my resolutions were this year. I'd love to tell you, but you see, that would be violating the "vaguely evil" part of my plot--er, resolutions. But be assured that I have accomplished them all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the neighbors aren't going to silently judge themselves. Happy New Year, indeed.

Angie Mansfield swears she is only slightly deranged, but her friends and family say differently. She lives wherever her trusty Chevy Malibu takes her, with only her dog and a cranky jade plant named Fred for company. You can visit her at the Wandering Zebra or the Zebra Rag, both of which she updates when she darn well feels like it.