Back to the School Future

by Jason Tudor


Overheard on a Mervyn's clothing rack in 1983 ...


Say, where ya goin', Mom? Just stop right there with your feathered hair and tube top. It's me, corduroy, and I've got something to say. Did I mention I'm corduroy? Oh yeah, and I've seen you circling the store looking for last minute back-to-school bargains like a women who really knows her stuff. I'm it. Let me explain.

First, I know. Your son said he wanted that popular OP brand that all his friends are wearing. He gave you the nod on some 501's. Okay. Fine. Maybe. But look at me for God's sake. Lush. Shiny. Striking. Don't like my tan? My friend is Navy blue. His buddy is Butterscotch. Another is wheat. Still another is dusky rose. We're the Color Me Badd of clothes; a rainbow of corduroy flavor (Oh, I need to write that down!). How could your son NOT like that?

Oh, and did I mention who's wearing me this season? Kirk FREAKING Cameron. That's right! Oh and did I mention Alex FREAKING Keaton aka Michael J. Fox wears cords and a sport coat while he's berating that patsy father of his? Your son couldn't be in cooler company. Those, mommy dearest, are the facts of life and to deny your son two or three pairs of me ... well, gimmie a break.

Now, I know where you're going to go next with your finger on your chin there: the noise. Look, corduroy-clad thighs scraping together in a crowded high school hallway is a sign of dominance; an aural urine territorial marker that swishes, scrapes and smells of good judgment -- and victory. Squint and scrunch your face all you want. I'm a winner.

Now, don't let these red tag placed on green tag placed on yellow tag clearance stickers dissuade you from reality. Seven dollars a pair IS a bargain, but people in France are paying, like, seven times as much. The Japanese aren't just snatching up real estate; they are awash in corduroy pant value. So, tell your son he's making an INTERNATIONAL fashion statement. That I'm on this clearance rack next to these terry cloth shirts with the zippers merely means I'm one step closer to justifying your back-to-school budget.


That's right ... reach out a hand. That's it ... that's ... wait! Where are you going? I just explained that ... what exactly didn't you like about velvet ... I AM A BARGAIN AT TWICE THE PRICE! DENIM IS FOR PINKO COMMIE HIPPY FREAKS!


[Ahem]

Doesn't matter. I'll get the next one. Or the next one after that. Once you go cord, you never go back.


(When Jason Tudor's Thorazine wears off, he's allowed one ball point pen, one-side of one sheet of used bond paper and access to a dictionary. This is one of the things he made. You can discover more of his drug-holiday induced creations on Twitter @jasontudor or his website at www.jasontudor.com)