Feral Faucets

By Bill Mullis

(Based on an actual conversation, which was, in turn, based on actual events. That's my life: A reality show gone horribly wrong.)

Mr. Thomas? Hey, this is Bill Mullis. Yeah, the duplex out in Sugar Tit. Fine, fine, thanks for asking. Yes, sir, it's been a while. Well, I hate to disturb you at your office, but there is an issue. See, the thing is, the hot water faucet in the shower's been dripping, and I was thinking, You know, I could save Mr. Thomas a few bucks and myself some aggravation...Yes sir. I thought I'd -- Well, I said to myself, How hard can it be?

You're exactly right, Mr. Thomas. That was a stupid question, and I did find the answer.

Well, to begin with, did you know there's no shut off valves for the shower? Exactly. I really wasn't expecting that. So I borrowed a water key and shut off the supply to the house. Yes, sir. The whole house. Both apartments, kinda.

Now, I did give Judy next door a heads-up.

Um. About three hours ago.

See, there's a funny story about that. I was trying to unscrew the faucet, and it was being kinda stubborn, you know how faucets can be, so I kinda gave it an extra twist with an extension on the wrench. It did move, yes. The faucet. And the pipe. Together.

Mr. Thomas? Are you there?

Oh, good. I thought we had been disconnected.

So anyway, the pipe seemed intact -- mostly -- so I thought I'd better leave well enough alone and give you a call before you heard about it on the news.

Yes, sir, pretty funny. Except, actually, we haven't got to the really funny part yet. Yes sir, there's more.

Are you OK?

Well, I didn't want to leave the water off for everybody, and it's not like we couldn't use the hot water, so I thought I'd turn the water back on. That's when I heard the thud. Where was I? Up by the road at the meter. The thud? That was from the house. So anyway, I went back in to investigate....

Hello? Mr. Thomas? We must have a bad connection. It keeps getting real quiet on your end....

The good news is we won't have to replace the tub itself. The dent is really barely noticeable, and the faucet missed the mirror by a good foot when it ricocheted. And I can spackle over the hole in the wall, no problem. Also, the tub contained the water just fine, so there wasn't any water damage, either.

And I doubt the dog's going to be drinking out of the toilet any time soon, even when the knot on his noggin's gone down.

Right now? The water's back off. Yes sir, to the whole house. Believe me, Judy's fully aware of the situation. My wife? Hard to say, since she's not really speaking to me at the moment.

Yes, sir. I understand.

Well, I'll be here whenever the plumber's ready to come over.

Well, thanks for being so understanding, Mr. Thomas.  I'm sure we'll look back and laugh one day. I know I will.

'Cause today I put a wrench on my pipe and broke it.

Bio: Bill Mullis has a long history of destroying apartments piece by piece. He accomplishes this, and many other things, in the Upstate region of South Carolina.