How To Feel More Like Indiana Jones Jones in Your Everyday Life

by Harley May

We all know the typical New Year’s Resolutions: lose weight, stop punting puppies, yadda yadda yadda. I want more ADVENTURE in 2012 - above and beyond the normal hiking and canoeing. The authorities tell me that bank robbery and bobcat wrestling is a bad idea, so I’ve decided to pursue a life-long dream: I will become Indiana Jones. If you want break up the monotony of carpool lines, swim meets, and soccer practices with something more Raiders of the Lost Arc-esque, try implementing these tiny things.

1.)    Lose your automatic garage door opener. Close it manually and run out while the door is still moving.

2.)    Insert the phrase, “Snakes? Why’d it have to be snakes?” in your everyday vernacular. Replace the word “Snakes” with an object you see more commonly. If you change a lot of diapers, “Poop? Why’d it have to be poop?” If one of your co-workers gets to the break room before you and makes a pot of decaf, which is totally stupid, “Decaf? Why’d it have to be Decaf?”

3.)    When a band of cowboy thieves takes an item you want or think is very important, shout, “IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM.” Then make your bottom lip bleed.

4.)    If offered monkey brains, accept it with a smile. Thank your hosts.

5.)    Instead of trying to outrun a boulder, spend some time on the freeway. Just as exciting.

6.)    Rather than carry a taser or a can of mace while running, loop a whip through your jogging shorts. If your shorts don’t have a belt loop, the iPod strap on your arm will work just as well.

7.)    Go to your local library and look for Roman Numerals. If you find the X, BUST THAT MOTHER UP.

8.)    When faced with a difficult decision, simply cut the rope bridge down.

9.)    Initiate foreplay with your significant other by pointing to varying areas on your body and say, “It hurts here.” (note: when you’re wearing an Indiana Jones hat, have the webcam set up, and tell your husband, “Um…I need you for a moment…” expect a crazy look.)

10.)    Show people a photo of Shia Labeouf and tell them he is your long lost son. Maybe don’t do this if you’re only a few years older than Shia Labeouf. You’ll look ridiculous.