Advice from the Unqualified

by Harley May

Friends, I’m really not qualified to give advice on anything but X-Men and laundry avoidance, but here goes.

Dear Harley May,

How do I make Nathan Fillion come to his senses and love me?

-Jen

Excellent question, Jen. I’ve asked myself this many times and to be completely honest, I don’t have an answer. Nathan Fillion isn’t sitting next to me on the couch as I write this, but I can share some tactics that don’t work. And these are theoretical tactics. I haven’t really tried them. Cough. First, Nathan Fillion doesn’t answer my requests for shirtless photos on twitter. It was my assumption You might assume that men liked being objectified by women, but apparently not. Second, while dressing like a Brown Coat and memorizing dialogue from Firefly and Serenity will get you applause at ComicCon, Nathan Fillion doesn’t seem that impressed when you show up at his door ready to re-enact scenes. I mean, he might be amused for a minute, but that quickly fades when he realizes I was you’re serious. One would think he’d recognize a great actress who refuses to break character even while being loaded into a squad car, but NOOOO. I haven’t had time to memorize all the Castle episodes You could try memorizing all the Castle episodes? Good luck!

Dear Harley May,

Where do Fairies come from? And why does mom call dad that?

-Timmy

Hi Timmy. Um, please sit down and have a cookie. As for your first question, I’m not entirely sure, but I think a lot of magic and laughter is required with a fairy birth. Happy things are involved. It’s a lot like Disney World or Universal – there’s a huge crowd, long lines, and everyone leaves over stimulated and tired. Have you been to either theme park? I’d love to take you. As far as why your mom calls your dad a fairy, um, maybe they’re playing a game? Whatever they’re doing, it isn’t your fault and they love you very much and I’d really like to take you to Universal. You’d like it there. They have rides. Do you like Harry Potter? I could buy you a wand at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We could sit in the shade and sip frozen butter beer in Hogsmeade. Doesn’t that sound nice? Would you like a juice box? I have more cookies if you’re still hungry. Do you need a hug?

Dear Harley May,

Why do you always sigh and roll your eyes when we watch Tango and Cash?

-Mr. May

Hey. Probably for the same reason you groan when I put in Pride and Prejudice. Well, not the same EXACT reason. Tango and Cash has corny dialogue, a poor plot, and the boobs we see in the first ten minutes are random and gratuitous. I don’t mind boob, but would like to be emotionally invested in the boob’s journey. If anything is gratuitous in Pride and Prejudice, it is collar bone. The sexy amount of chest hair visible through a loosened shirt top during a misty sunrise might be a touch gratuitous, BUT THERE IS NOT RANDOM CAR SEX BOOB. Let’s just watch 300 or Super 8 instead. Boom. Problem solved. Now take these cookies out of my hands.