Nuggets from the Advice Zebra. No, not those nuggets. Gross.

By Angie Mansfield

The Advice Zebra in her natural habitat

All right, all right. I've been buried in emails from people who keep begging me for advice. Clearly, these people haven't been paying attention or they'd never come to me for advice, but who am I to disillusion them?

I am the Advice Zebra, that's who. Buckle in, this could get bumpy.

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Dear AZ:

Yesterday I happened upon a troubling sight. You see, my sister, who I'll just call "the tramp" for the purposes of this question, got married. Just before the ceremony, I went to the pastor's office where she was waiting, so I could give her a hug and my well-wishes before taking my seat. When I got back there, the groom's brother was in there, standing behind my dear sister with his hands over her...bazingas. Can I say 'bazingas' here? If not, I'm sorry. Twice.


Anyway, when I expressed shock at this situation, the groom's brother said I had a dirty mind, and that he'd thought it might be the groom coming into the room, and he was just trying to keep the groom from seeing my sister's bazingas before the wedding, and thus getting seven years' bad luck. Have you ever heard of such a thing, AZ, or should I defend my sister's honor with a baseball bat and a set of brass knuckles?


Signed,
Brother of the Bride

Dear BoB:

I'm appalled at the complete ignorance of wedding etiquette on display these days. You'd think no one had ever heard of manners, the way they get all uptight about the ceremonial bride-goosing, the ceremonial telling of dirty jokes to the bride's grandmother, and the ceremonial calling of the cops.

Where was I? Oh, yes -- your new brother-in-law is clearly a lecher and needs to be taught some manners. Whoever heard of hiding the bride's bazingas before the ceremony? If his intentions were truly pure, he'd have had his hands on her behind.

Dear Advice Zebra:

There's some dude passed out drunk in the alley behind my barn. What should I do?


Signed,
Intimidated by Inebriates

Dear Intimidated:

I'm shocked. Shocked! How do you know he's drunk? Did you ask him? No! I'm sure you just assumed by his posture and the fact that he's sleeping by a barn. Did you stop to think that the poor man might have been overcome by the odors wafting from your livestock accommodations? Sure, you find those aromas delightful, but not everyone shares your enthusiasm. Get out there right now, young man or woman, and see if that poor man needs smelling salts. Wait -- those probably won't work. Just poke him with a stick until he wakes up, then offer him a refreshing iced beverage. But if he's been sleeping by the barn for any length of time, best not to invite him in.

Dear Advice Zebra:

I am part of a traveling troupe of troubadours, and we are plagued with problems with our posture. Can you--

Dear Annoying:

I apologize; I am averse to aiding anyone who abuses alliteration.

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