Your Perfect Valentine

By Sara Spock

Dear Ms. Mommy,

What are guidelines for sending Valentine’s Day Cards to school with Little Miss Precious Perfect? I want to celebrate just right!

Signed,
Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

You came to the right place! I have a trove of tips and ideas so your little one can have an amazing Valentine’s Day. Before we get started, let me commend you for wanting to follow etiquette on behalf of Little Miss Precious Perfect. She will be thanking you for years to come for not embarrassing her in front of the entire world, for giving Little Billy Dreamboat the perfect Valentine, and thus establishing a lifetime of happiness in the first grade.

Her teacher should be providing a list of students that chose to participate in the bloody little holiday festivities. Keep your eyes open for a scarlet red paper, adorned with names like Aembyr, Baenjaemyn-Daeved, and Soleil Moon Frye. You’ll use this to compose your shopping list. Your list should include items to craft your own, I mean, her own perfectly designed cards, adorable envelopes, hand-made treat bags, and whittling materials so that you can carve pencils, yo-yos, and small woodland creatures.

Once you’ve assembled all your supplies, you’re going to need to set aside a block of two hours a day for the next few weeks in order to accomplish all you need. You should start by designing cards. If you don’t have the artistic skill to draw your own, there’s no shame in hiring a graphic designer to give you a leg up. It shouldn’t cost too much, but what’s a couple hundred dollars when considering your own child’s very happiness? Designs should include ric-rac trim, crepe pink hearts, and hand-etched addressing. To fill treat bags, start with an extensive class-wide email to determine food allergies and customize each bag with hand-selected delicacies. The children might enjoy mocha truffles, petit fours, and Turkish delights, which you should be proficient in crafting.

In addition to cards and treats, each Valentine should include a small token of friendship such as a whittled bunny or barn owl. If you spend just a small amount of time each evening in the place of showering or the Kardashians, 25 carvings will be finished in no time! When each item is crafted, skillfully secure the carving to the bag of treats, loop a ribbon through a heart-shaped hole punch in the hand-made Valentine, and put them all into a pink gingham-lined basket so that Little Miss Precious Perfect can carry them to school.

If you aren’t concerned with Little Miss Precious Perfect’s reputation or lifetime of happiness and you’ve put off Valentine’s planning until the last minute, I suppose I can offer this additional bit of advice: Target has a lovely selection of pre-made cards that your Satan-spawn can scrawl on, without any regard for neatness or design.


Sara Spock is a Mom, Wife, Penn State Graduate, Substitute Teacher, Freelance Writer and Chocolate Addict. When her tongue isn’t firmly in cheek and she’s not trolling Target on Valentine’s Day Eve, Sara can be found over at The Hero Complex where she tries to save the world, one. recipe. at. a. time.