By Steve Barber
About fifteen years ago, my ex
threw me out and I got to re-experience the joys of bachelorhood. You'd
probably be surprised at how well I took care of myself. I did the whole nine
yards--shopping, cooking, laundry. I got so good at it I could have given
Heloise tips. A couple years later I met Hunny and things changed.
See, Hunny has no faith in me
whatsoever. By that I mean she refuses to trust me for even the simplest tasks.
For example, she's convinced I'm incapable of running the vacuum, making coffee
or even filling an ice cube tray. “You'll do it wrong,” she says to me.
Naturally, I do what I can to encourage that kind of thinking. That's why I was
surprised the other day when she agreed to let me go grocery shopping.
Daughter # 1 and her brood were
coming over to meet our new dog, and we figured a Sunday brunch would be in
order. Unfortunately, we don't cook breakfast much anymore, so we were out of
even the most basic staples. But I had some free time on Saturday and Hunny was
busy pretending to work when what she was really doing was playing Bejeweled on
the computer. So, much to my shock and dismay, she agreed I should go to the
store. I considered feigning injury, but then thought, Wait a minute. This is only breakfast stuff.
How hard can it be? We're talking about things like eggs, bacon and juice,
right? Piece of cake. Besides, it's not like I've never been to the store
before. So I sucked it up and headed out.
Big mistake.
We needed maple syrup and I found
the aisle right away. But the label on the first bottle said, “Contains High Fructose Corn Syrup.” That
left me confused. Why would corn syrup be in a maple syrup bottle? I pawed
through several other brands, but they were the same. I finally found one that
claimed to be “Pure Maple Syrup,” but it cost more than the GDP of Denmark, so
instead, I closed my eyes, grabbed one randomly and tossed it in the cart.
"Milk," I said to myself.
"Milk will be easy." Little did I know milk was no longer just whole
or skim. Now milk could be low fat, no fat, 2 %, ½ %, ultra pasteurized, soy,
lactose-reduced or acidophiles. Does anyone even know what acidophiles means?
By this time I was starting to hyperventilate.
Maybe I'd calm down in the orange
juice aisle. How can they screw up OJ?
I thought. The last time I'd bought orange juice there'd been two kinds--frozen and fresh. But as I stood
there surveying my choices I saw before me low acid, high acid, low pulp, no
pulp, double pulp, vitamin C, vitamin D, Organic and Calcium-added varieties.
And guess what? Almost all of them had High Fructose Corn Syrup.
Right then, right there, I lost it.
Hunny had been right all along. I
had no business in a grocery store anymore. So as I ran screaming out the door,
I wondered how I was going to explain to my grandspawn why we'd be eating our
pancakes at IHOP. Then I remembered they're both girls, so I figured they'd
understand.
Steve Barber picks on Hunny a
lot and some of it might even be deserved. The rest is all lies, of course, but
what else would you expect from someone who's spent half of his adult life
pretending to be an evil, undead Chihuahua? In his rare, lucid moments, Steve
writes funny stuff and horror stuff because he doesn't see much difference
between the two. You can check out his seldom updated blog at http://whatdoyoumeanishouldstartablog.blogspot.com/,
and read his latest short horror story, Arkie Studabaker's Very Bad Day, in the
anthology No Rest for the Wicked, (Rainstorm Press), which will be coming out
any day now. A.n.y. d.a.y....
I didn't know Foodland had chihuahua-sized buggies! Ya learn something new every day. :-)
ReplyDeleteLucky for me, Mr. Vagabond sticks with the 4 basic food groups when he goes shopping: frozen pizza, ice cream, Pepsi and chips. He got out of all other chores by breaking my china and crystal, exploding my vacuum cleaner bags and washing my shirts in hot water with his black jeans. I always wanted Barbie-size grays. LOL!
Ah, yes. The four basic food groups--Pilsners, Stouts, Porters and IPAs.
DeleteIt seems likely Mr. V. and I attended the same correspondence class on work avoidance. Best wishes to him for continued success. :D
Steve - I feel ya. My X Not-Hunny was the gourmet cook in the fam. Learning to negotiate a grocery store, which by the way is not tied to estrogen levels, was excruciating for me. Yes, call me spoiled, but I didn't know where anything resided. I still struggle w/ the layouts, which make no sense to me. Keep perfecting your catalog of excuses so you can avoid the horror. Nice post!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Nancy.
DeleteYep, the key is to keep messing up. Does you no good when you're by yourself, though. Should you ever desire to get your own new Hunny, you might want to consider falling back into those old, bad habits again. Your blog, Single People's Grocery Lists, shows you picked up way too many good habits. ;)
Puppy, you always make me laugh. I mean, when you're supposed to make me laugh, not when you're. . . Okay, see, I'm laughing with you not at you. I'm. . .oh, who am I fooling? You make me laugh all the time. (And Bejeweled is serious business. Do not disturb Hunny when she is thusly occupied.)
ReplyDeleteComing from the Queen of Funnyhood as it does, I'll take that as a high compliment. Thank you so very much. And...uh...I hope you weren't in the middle of a game of Bejeweled when I disturbed you with this comment.
DeleteI'm so disappointed. You didn't even get to the bacon, and I was *really* interested in finding out what you thought about maple flavoured, thick or thin cut, low sodium, turkey, chicken or inidentifiable left over meat bacon...
ReplyDeleteAll with high fructose corn syrup, of course.
Then, knowing you, maybe it's better that you *don't* know what's in your bacon...
Please don't tell me they've ruined the bacon too, Ruth. That just ain't right, I tell ya. ;)
DeleteI accidentally picked up a half gallon of "Probiotic" milk the other day. I have no idea if it tastes different than regular 2-percent, because I'm too chicken to try it. O.o
ReplyDeleteGAH! I must have missed that one. What is it? Do they add bugs to milk now and charge you extra for it?
DeleteLOL. That's so true. I've never seen a man looking happy in a grocery store. Even the one's pushing the cart while wifey does the shopping. Poor things.
ReplyDeleteThat picture you see up above kind of says it all, doesn't it, Gail?
DeleteGrocery stores are, or used to be, good for picking up women, though I never got the hang of that part either. I'd just end up with a few bags of stuff I'd tossed into my cart absentmindedly while trying to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteAbout the most fun I have had was trying to figure out what some of that stuff was when i got home. Anybody new a few jars of pickled anchovies?
You're right, Porter. Back in the day all you had to do to pick up a woman was hang around a grocery store looking confused (which was hardly difficult to do even back then)and they'd flock to you like fruit flies on an overripe avocado. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure women pick out their men on Craigslist or eBay where they have many, many choices. Let's face it, man. Guys like you and me are SOL.
ReplyDeleteI was accosted at the grocery store by 2 different men last week, seemingly confused about the price of bagged ice and chicken. Just minding my own business. Yes, I did talk to them, but I made sure I flashed my wedding ring around.
ReplyDelete