Showing posts with label Patti Wigington. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Patti Wigington. Show all posts

9.14.2012

Portable Pizza Pockets

By Patti Wigington

I'm a big fan of portable food. Anything I can hold in my hand to eat is practically an automatic win. I'm sure lots of other people feel the same way – hence the popularity of products such as the Hot Pocket. They're cheap and they're quick to prepare. They're also easy to make yourself – and you can get a much better idea of what they contain if you prepare them yourself.

I've had to eat gluten-free since 2007, so I made my pizza pockets with gluten-free Chebe pizza dough. However, you can use any kind of pizza dough you like, either homemade or pre-packaged. The key is that it has to be stretchy. One package of pre-made pizza dough will give you anywhere from two to four pizza pockets, depending on how big you make them.

Ingredients:

One package pizza dough
Pizza sauce
Pizza fillings, such as ham, pepperoni, or veggies
Oregano
Mozarella cheese


Roll out your pizza dough so it's about 1/4” thick. Cut into either two or four rectangles – I made two, so I could get a couple of really good-sized pockets, but you can make them smaller if you like. Add a couple of tablespoons of sauce, pizza fillings, the oregano, and some mozzarella, to one side of each rectangle. Make sure that you leave a gap around the toppings of about 3/4” or your fillings will leak out.

Fold the non-topping half of the rectangle over, just like you're closing a book. Press the edges together all the way around – I actually used a fork to crimp mine together, which seems to have done the trick nicely and kept any stray sauce from escaping.

Bake at 375 for about 20 minutes, or until the crusts are lightly browned. Allow to cool for about five minutes, then serve with marinara dipping sauce or (my personal favorite) garlic butter.



Make a bunch of these and bake them ahead of time, then toss them in individual freezer bags – you can reheat them for snacks or lunches by microwaving about three minutes.

8.31.2012

Austentatious Haiku


by Patti Wigington



Truth universal
Such passion might pollute the
Shades of Pemberley

Persuaded by Bath
Love found, lost and found again
Her words pierce his soul

Dark gothic abbey
“Mysteries of Udolpho”
Hearts joined in ruins

Matchmaker matching
Finds herself undone by her
Own willful spirit

Sisters three, one young,
One says too much, one speaks not,
Many mixed signals

Poor girl, country house
Sharp social commentary
Love is right next door

Curled up quietly
Cat in lap, coffee in hand,
So lost in Austen

6.27.2012

Everything's Better With Bacon



by Patti Wigington
I’m pretty sure that in a previous lifetime, I was a dude. Unlike so many of my organic-grass-fed-free-range friends, I am of the philosophy that bacon makes everything better. And if one slice of bacon makes it good, Gentle Reader, then TWO slices turns it into a little bit of pork-flavored heaven.
Believe me, I understand that bacon is being a bit overdone right now. It’s everywhere, taking the place of the cupcake at the forefront of America’s collective palate. Maybe it’s a bit of a Bacon Rebellion, in response to all those years of people telling us that we need to scale back on our consumption, because it’s So Very Bad For You.
However, if it helps you feel better, you can rest easy knowing that bacon contains choline, which is a micronutrient that scientists say can actually help reduce cardiac problems. Of course, studies show that the average American consumes almost eighteen pounds of bacon each year, so in theory, none of us should ever suffer from a heart attack.
Anyway, one of the reasons bacon has seen a resurgence in popularity is the very simple fact that it’s delicious.
I know, I know. Take away my Girl Card right now. I should be daintily eating Yoplait, smiling at plates of salad, watching Hoda and Kathie Lee, and going to Pilates classes, but instead, I’m peering at the remnants of last night’s dinner, which of course would have been only half as amazing if it didn’t have bacon.
It’s super easy to assemble, because it only requires four ingredients - one of which is the aforementioned bacon. In fact, if I refer to this dish as Bacon Rosemary Garlic Chicken, I bet you can guess what at least one of the other ingredients might be.
Here’s what you need:
  Chicken breasts
  Sprigs of fresh rosemary
  Garlic cloves
  Uncooked bacon
Rinse the chicken breasts and pat them dry. Smoosh up a garlic clove (or two, if you love the stuff like I do) and press some into the top of each chicken breast. Lay a sprig of rosemary across the top of the chicken breast, and then wrap a couple of slices of bacon around each one to hold the rosemary in place. If you need to, slide a couple of toothpicks in to hold the bacon in place.
Toss your bacon wrapped chicken on the grill, cook on low to medium heat for about half an hour, or until the bacon is firm but not crispy. Before you eat them, slide out the rosemary sprigs (and the toothpicks, obviously).
Serve with your favorite side dish, and enjoy the bacony goodness. 

6.08.2012

Mark of the Beast

by Patti Wigington

Editor's note: I love this column so much I had to run it twice. It's nice to be queen. Enjoy!

When I was seventeen, I had the coolest car on the planet. It was a 1967 Chevrolet Impala Super Sport convertible. Nineteen feet long, and in a color that can only be described as Arrest-Me Red, it sported a 327 under the hood, and a gas tank the size of my parents’ bathtub.

Whenever I went out with friends, I drove. It was partly because the Impala looked cool, but mostly because you could comfortably (although illegally) squash eight people into it and still have room for purses, Bon Jovi tapes, and cans of White Rain hairspray.

This was 1985, and I spent all of my hard earned (i.e., burger-flipping) money on that car. It ran like a champ, despite the layers of Bondo holding the rear end together. The biggest problem with the car – affectionately known as The Beast – was one of the things that made it so glorious. It was heavy. I’m talking armored-car heavy. I’m talking about “my grandfather could have used it to liberate a small German village” kind of heavy. And so, because of this massive weight, occasionally Bad Things Happened.

For example, a Bad Thing happened when I missed a curve and plunged The Beast about fifty feet into a muddy cornfield at midnight. I drove home dragging muddy cornstalks behind me, like giant golden tentacles. There was a Bad Thing when I swerved to miss a squirrel and ended up hitting a mailbox, which shot, cannonball-style, into the yard across the street. And then, the most Bad of Bad Things, there was the Boob Incident.

I was in my parents’ driveway, top down -- the car’s, not mine. I stood at the front quarter panel, where the open driver’s door joined the body of the car. I leaned forward, probably to pick something off the windshield, and made some comment about cracked Bondo.

Then it happened.

The door. Swung. Shut.

And when it did, it managed, somehow, to pin the underside of my right breast between the triangular driver’s side window at the front of the door, and the heavy outer edge of the windshield. I was pinned. Held in place.

Boobie-trapped.

I remember, after the initial shock of OHMYGAWDITSGOTMYBOOB, trying to reach over and open the door. But remember, this was a car that was nineteen feet long. I couldn’t reach the door handle.

Twenty-odd years later, I can’t recall who was there when it happened. Possibly my best friend, or maybe my boyfriend. What I do know is that I did the only thing I could think of, once I realized I was stuck in the car door.

I pulled away.

And let me tell you, it hurt. It hurt a lot. It left a mark four inches long and two inches wide, angry purple and throbbing, right there on my boob. It took weeks for that bruise to fade, but worse, it took a long time to get over the humiliation of admitting, “Um, yeah, I shut my boob in a car door.”

There was no long-term damage to anything other than my pride, but to this day, when I see the rare animal that is a 1967 Chevy Impala Super Sport Convertible, I cringe a bit, and whisper, “You’re not gonna get me this time, Beast.”


Patti Wigington began writing at the age of seven, when she ran out of books to read in her small-town library. Since then, she's grown up (a little) and published a couple of books, a whole bunch of columns, and a few short stories she's embarrassed to even have on her resume. In addition to writing, Patti spends her free time putzing around in her garden, coming up with new and exciting ways to re-use stuff she didn't think she wanted anymore, dying her hair odd colors, and full-contact recipe experimentation. She is married to the most patient man in the world, and is raising three children who are remarkably well-adjusted, despite their mother's best efforts to turn them into very strange people. Patti lives in central Ohio, and keeps people updated about her shenanigans at http://www.pattiwigington.com.
 

1.23.2012

Jane Austen's Ladies in the Facebook Age




“Why do you read Jane Austen?” someone asked me once. “Isn’t that boring old chick lit?”


Well, no. It’s not boring, and it’s not chick lit either - it’s actually pretty scathing social commentary, and it’s full of useful bits of advice. The wit and wisdom of Jane still has practical applications some two centuries after her death. But what if her novels took place today, in the age of social networking?

Marianne Dashwood

You know Marianne would totally be on top of social networking. She’d be regularly regaling her BFFs with photos of her cats, comments about the bagel she had this morning, her boring sister Elinor, and that super hot guy from over at Combe Magna who helped her out when she sprained her ankle! But - OMG! - it turned out he’s not so great after all, and Willoughby would be unfriended faster than you can say “Block This User.”

Status Update: OMG I LOVE HIM XOXOXOX!

Emma Woodhouse

Emma only wanted to be friendly towards Harriet Smith because she saw her as a project, sort of a Build Your Own BFF, that she could mold to her own needs. Good thing Emma and Harriet didn’t live in the Facebook Age, because Harriett would be all “Harriet Smith is in a Relationship” and Emma would be all “DISLIKE!!” and then Harriet would be “OMG Harriet Smith is SINGLE again” every couple of days. Meanwhile, poor Mr. Martin would still be trying to figure out how to turn on the Internet, and Knightley would just give up and go to LinkedIn.

Status Update: It’s Complicated

Lizzie Bennett

One of the great Facebookers of her age would have to be Lizzie Bennett. We’ve all got a friend like Lizzie - the one who makes an awful lot of fuss complaining about that guy she hates… but totally doesn’t hate him at all. Meanwhile, Jane would simply like everything Lizzie had to say, Charlotte would offer sage advice, and Fitzwilliam Darcy, who would never deign to send a friend request, would simply be a Facebook Creeper and watch from afar to see what Lizzie was posting about him. Not like he cares. Much.

Status Update: Dearest friends, this man is a total jerk.

Lydia Bennett

Lizzie’s younger sister, Lydia, is a prime example of why really young teens shouldn’t have Facebook pages at all. In the Facebook Age, Lydia would be in constant competition with Kitty for who had the Most Facebook Friends, and all of Lydia’s would be cute boys in regimentals. Lydia is that girl everyone knows who’s going to post a photo of herself partying in Brighton, her corset partly undone, and a beer bong in her hand.

Status Update: IM GOIN TO BATH AN IMMA SEE SOLDIERS!!!

Anne Elliot

Anne Elliot just has better things to do than sit around updating her status. She spent nine years waiting for the love of her life to come back to her, and when he did, she almost lost him again, thanks to the interference of people who thought they knew what was best for her. But Anne prevailed, avoided the drama of social networking altogether, and is now sailing around the world as Mrs. Wentworth.

Status Update: This Person is No Longer on Facebook.


12.16.2011

Dodging the Christmas Bullet





Years ago, I was faced with spending my first Christmas away from my family. Rescue appeared in the form of a nice Marine I was dating. We’ll call him Joe, in case he’s reading this, twenty-five years later. Joe came from a big family in upstate New York, and he invited me to spend Christmas with them. Great! I’d fit in perfectly and they’d love me.

Being sweet, Joe insisted on buying my plane tickets. Being not-too-bright, he booked the cheapest deal available, which meant two days before Christmas, I flew alone from South Carolina, through Atlanta, and into Buffalo, where I was stuffed aboard a small puddle-jumper into Schenectady. This took all day, and I was boarding planes that got progressively smaller and flying into cities that were increasingly colder. When I landed in Schenectady, it was about ten degrees. As if that wasn’t bad enough, a flight attendant spilled vodka on me, and I changed into the one extra piece of clothing that was in my carry-on bag, which was a black mini-skirt.

Imagine me trying to run across a snowy tarmac in Schenectady wearing high-heeled boots, a black mini-skirt, and a Be-Dazzled jean jacket, looking like an escapee from Santa’s Island of Misfit Hookers.

It got worse. His uber-religious family was horrified that I wasn’t wearing church clothes for midnight mass (just an hour after my plane landed), Joe dragged me to the mall on Christmas Eve to buy presents for all fourteen of his nieces and nephews, and one of his sisters gave me a Bible wrapped in a giant fluffy pink cover that looked like a lacy cake with my name embroidered on it and spelled incorrectly.

And then, just when Awkward Holiday Moments couldn’t have descended into any further madness, it happened. On Christmas Day, in front of the tree.

Joe got down on one knee, in front of his entire family, and presented me with an engagement ring.

Gentlemen, when you go to propose to a young lady, do NOT do it in front of your entire family. Because much like a cornered wildebeest, she could quite possibly vomit all over your mother’s Martha Stewart–inspired living room.

Yep. I was THAT girl. The one who upchucked after a combination of stress, pilfered communion wine, sleep deprivation, a giant sausage and kipper breakfast, and the horror of publicly being asked to marry someone I only vaguely knew while his extended family looked on, grinning at me.

I don’t remember my exact answer. To avoid any further humiliation, I muttered something about “Oh let’s talk about this later,” and beat a hasty retreat to the safety of the guest room. It was all a blur after that, and a few days later I was back in Charleston, not officially engaged, but still in possession of a ring.

I’m happy to report that I dodged a bullet. A few months later, Joe got injured in a training exercise and was sent to a hospital where he fell in love with – and dumped me for – a trauma nurse. I, in turn, pawned the ring for a hundred bucks and bought my first typewriter, which was far more useful.

In retrospect, Joe probably dodged a huge bullet too.

11.21.2011

Getting Thrifty

by Patti Wigington


I’m not a very good shopper. My friends tell me I shop like a guy – I know what I want, I walk in, I buy it, and I leave. Shopping is a “Wham-bam-thank-you-Kohl’s” experience for me – other than cute shoes and pretty lingerie, there aren’t many things I really dig shopping for.

And yet, I love the thrift store. My thrift store – and by “my,” I mean, the one I go to because it’s convenient and huge and full of good stuff that nobody wants anymore – is housed in a former K-Mart, so it’s basically several acres of stuff. It’s in no particular order, although the women’s stuff is one side, the men’s on the other, and allegedly it’s all arranged by size. There are no fitting rooms, so everything is a crap shoot, unless I plan ahead and wear a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, in which case I can try things on over what I’ve already got on. I walk in, I grab a bunch of stuff, and I walk out.

The thrift store isn’t shopping. It’s a treasure hunt.

Kids need winter jackets? There’s a perfectly nice LL Bean down-filled one at the end of the aisle for just $12 – and it’s Orange Tagged, which means on Wednesdays that coat is only $6. I found a vintage Mary Tyler Moore-esque coat for $8 – the perfect size for my very tall 11-year-old. Like fleece sweaters? Here’s a bunch of them for under $5. Okay, the blue one has a small hole, but I can stitch that shut in five minutes – it’s worth it, because it’s from Cabela’s and retails for $45 new.

There are three aisles of jeans. I’m running between sizes now, thanks to weight loss, but that’s ok. I’ll grab a couple in the two sizes I might wear – after all, they’re only $3 a pair right now, and I can take the ones that don’t fit and give them to my college student. For Halloween, I was a Toddler Pageant Queen, and found a lovely blue formal for only $16. It still had the tags inside it from David’s Bridal, where it once sold for a hundred bucks. It’s a nice dress, and I’ll save it for future costume shenanigans - or maybe a wedding, if anyone ever is desperate enough to tag me as a bridesmaid.

There’s also plenty of awful stuff at the thrift store, but for dirt cheap, I’m willing to pick up things just for the ridiculous factor. I’ve bought fish slippers, three absolutely hideous red Christmas sweatshirts for my daughter and her college friends, and a copper jelly mold shaped like a lobster. And there’s some stuff that’s just so frightening I won’t go near it, like the Vera Bradley bag that smelled like roadkill and beer, or the flannel hoodie that probably belonged in an evidence locker rather than a thrift store.

I’m very excited to announce that tomorrow is Pink Tag Day, which means I’ll be trolling the racks for something good. I need a new pair of jeans… and I’m pretty sure one of my friends will be thrilled with the lobster-shaped jelly mold he’s getting for Christmas!

10.14.2011

Handyman’s Special

by Patti Wigington


The house sat waiting, and watching.

It had been a good two decades since anyone had dared set foot within, and the house was getting lonely. The last people to inhabit it had left long ago, fleeing in the middle of the night, taking only the clothes they had worn to bed and nothing more. Their name had been Olsen. Before the Olsens, there had been the Romaletti family. They had fled in the night too, sometime in the spring of 1991, as had the Cosgrays and the DeLaHoyas before them. But despite the influx and subsequent rapid outflux of Olsens, Romalettis, Cosgrays and DeLaHoyas, Geigers and Terhunes, and even a solitary Smythe, everyone in town called it the Winter House.

It sat high on a hill above the town of East Liberty (there was no West Liberty), a silent and crumbling sentinel on two acres of overgrown brush. The front porch had collapsed on one side, giving the house an off-center appearance, like an old man after a stroke. The windows had long since been broken out by teenagers brave enough to throw rocks but not quite daring enough to open the doors. On the right side of Winter House, a squared-off turret rose to meet torn and tattered shingles, many of which had been scattered by the four winds. The red paint hadn’t been touched up since the Cosgrays bought the place in 1979, and the wrought iron of the widow’s walk hung down like sharp black teeth.

On the east side of the hill, a small cemetery overgrown with magnolias lay. The main crypt held the mortal remains of old Josiah Winter, who had built the place during the Civil War (or as the locals would have it, the Late Unpleasantness). Josiah had met an early demise when it was discovered that the slaves he claimed had run away had in fact been cooked and eaten by Josiah and his family.

Back in the 1920s, one of the grandsons of Josiah Winter decided he should restore their ancestral home to its former glory. The grandson, one Hubert Winter, had made a great deal of money in stocks, and spent a significant amount of it on chandeliers, champagne, and fancy cars. For four glorious years, Winter House was once again a place where the upper echelon of East Liberty’s society came to hobnob with one another. At least, until the night when Hubert Winter hacked his wife and their three children to death with a garden scythe, and then flung himself headfirst from the widow’s walk into the concrete driveway below.

Down on South Grant Street, what was left of the driveway coasted down the hill to the road, where a simple chain provided a barrier between the house and the rest of the world. And yet, that barrier was merely a chain with a faded “No Trespassing” sign dangling from it, not a fence or a wall, and so occasionally, people managed to find their way in.

Far less occasionally, they found their way back out.

East Liberty had, like many small towns, its share of drifters. Transients came in, seeing East Liberty as a nice place to stop for a while. The climate was good most of the year, and folks were friendly. If someone happened to wander into town, a rucksack on his back and looking as though he needed a shave and a hot meal, everyone knew to send them on down to the South Avenue Church, where Reverend Delbert and his flock would make sure they had dinner and a bed for the night. If they were interested in doing a bit of labor for their keep, they could earn a few dollars by sweeping out the VFW hall.

And on their way back out of town, headed west, inevitably the drifters would move down South Grant Street. The soft and lush growth of the azaleas would call to them as they passed Winter House, the smell of lilacs in the air even during the cold months. Any wanderer with a sense of adventure would ignore that chain completely, pushing it aside, climbing over it or under it, and eventually make their way up the driveway.

It was often noted, with some degree of satisfaction, by town elders, that transients never stayed long in East Liberty. They were always gone by the next day. This made everyone happy, especially Mayor Titus Meador, whose wife Lois had a thriving business as a realtor. In fact, no one was as thrilled as Mayor Meador the day that Lois got a thick package via certified mail, full of notarized papers with signatures she had trouble reading. Because despite Lois’ inability to make heads or tails of who was authorizing it, she had enough of presence of mind to know that she had just been offered the chance of a lifetime, to list the Winter House for sale.

Lois happily made her way to South Grant Street to pound the blood-red “For Sale” sign into the ground at the foot of the cracked driveway. She even drove up to the house for a quick look and to take a few exterior photos, which would come in handy when she marketed the house at a low price as a handyman’s special. In fact, everyone in town was pleased when they saw Lois’ sign.

After all, Winter House was waiting, and watching.

And it was hungry.



Image credit: aishagrace.wordpress.com

9.28.2011

They Call it Puppy Love

by Patti Wigington

Two years ago, we lost our beloved golden Labrador, Tanner, to cancer, leaving us with a single dog, our goofy Retriever mix, Brisco. After Tanner died, Brisco helped fill that dog-shaped hole in our hearts. Then we noticed he was getting kind of lazy. A three-year-old dog probably should be doing dog things – chasing the cats, digging holes in my herb garden, hunting for cheese -- not napping all day. So we figured it was time to be a two-dog house again – we were ready for a second canine companion, and clearly, so was Brisco.

Fast forward to a sunny summer morning at the local Farmer’s Market. The county Humane Society had a display table up – along with two adorable puppies. The pups couldn’t be adopted then and there, but that didn’t matter. The old bait-n-switch had worked, and the next Monday I dragged my husband with me to the animal shelter.

Just to look.

And when we got there just to look, we learned that someone had dropped off a female Blue Tick Coonhound mix and her litter of ten puppies – two of whom had lured me in at the Farmer’s Market. TEN. That’s a lot of puppies. At two and a half months old, they leaped around their kennel, yipping and rolling their plump puppy bellies, scrambling on top of one another, each hoping to be Top Dog.

Nine of them looked like black Labs, but the tenth – and bounciest – looked like a hound dog. With long floppy ears, and big brown paws, he made it clear that we needed to pay more attention to him than anyone else. And we did, and I fell head over heels in love. Two days later, once our adoption paperwork was processed, Bandit came home to be our newest family member.

Brisco welcomed him, and the two of them play non-stop – this is the most exercise Brisco has gotten in ages, and it’s good for him. Bandit is busy learning that we poop OUTSIDE, and that “treat” is a magic word, and that cats are not his friends (at least not yet). We humans are relearning how awesome it is to have two dogs in the house again.

In the three weeks we’ve had him, Bandit has nearly doubled his weight. He’s had his first trip to the emergency room, thanks to a lacerated paw that won him a few stitches, and he’s discovered that tomatoes can be eaten straight from the garden. He’s shredded a Samsung charger cord, and thinks socks are the best toy ever, except for crickets. It’s like opening up your home to a wayward toddler – only there’s less laundry and more fur.

Bandit’s going to be a good dog. He’s learning from Brisco, who is a REALLY good dog, and he’s smart. But more importantly, he’s full of love and silliness and fun, and the boundless joyful energy that one only finds in puppies and kindergarteners. I’ve never had a dog this young, and had no idea what fun it could be.

I’m even willing to sacrifice a few more socks and charger cords in the name of love.

8.03.2011

"I've Got Whos-Its and Whats-Its Galore"

by Patti Wigington



It’s that time of year again. I went out to buy some cheese and a loaf of bread, and came back with six packages of college-ruled paper, ten boxes of crayons, a bunch of #2 pencils, and something like 47 glue sticks.

Why? Because I have a fondness for school supplies, and because I’ve got a pair of kids entering sixth grade in just twenty-eight days, but hey, who’s counting? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I enjoy back-to-school shopping. In fact, I don’t really like shopping for anything besides shoes and electronics. But what I do love is the smell of a freshly opened box of Crayolas, or the grinding sound that the sharpener makes the first time you stick a pencil in there, or the smooth white expanse of lined notebook paper which has yet to be doodled upon.

Sure, my kids get a list each summer. There’s the Master List, which always has the same stuff on it, year in and year out: pencils, notebooks, index cards, a box of Zip-Loc baggies, and some Kleenex. Then there’s also the teacher-specific lists. Some years we get the teachers who are happy with the contents of the Master List and demand nothing further. Other years, we get teachers who say, “Now, in addition to all that other stuff, I’ll need a four-pack of blue, green, red and black dry erase markers, a roll of 35 mm camera film, a 6.4 oz bottle of aloe scented hand sanitizer (not the store brand!), the T-34000 Mega Super Awesome Calculator, and a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle.”

And it doesn’t matter what they ask for, or whether I have the list right in front of me. There’s always something I have to go back for, either because it’s a last minute addition, or because every store in town was out of that ONE type of Post-It stickies that my kids have to have for their Science & Math Enrichment program.

So naturally, I came home from the store with my cheese, my bread, and $84 worth of school stuff. I’ve got more folders than anyone can use in a single school year, scissors that the art teacher probably won’t even ask for, and highlighters galore. I feel like Ariel, in “The Little Mermaid,” and just want to sing, “I’ve pencils and papers aplenty, I’ve got protractors and rulers galore… Sharpie pens? I’ve got twenty! No big deal… I want moooooooore.”

The night before school begins, my kids will root through the bags, pulling out what they need, checking off their lists. The remainder of the stuff will sit in a corner of my office, quietly waiting for me to suddenly yearn for a fresh pink eraser, or for that moment some time around December when I exclaim, “Wait, I actually DO have a roll of Scotch tape!”

And inevitably, that first afternoon, they’ll get off the bus and remind me of all the things I need to go pick up. Like those darn Zip-Loc bags that I forget every single year.

7.27.2011

Full Contact Cooking

by Patti Wigington

I didn’t try to become a good cook. I never sat perusing my mother’s cookbooks, thinking, “Golly, I’d love to learn to make a nice au jus sauce someday.” I don’t ever recall being at a restaurant and exclaiming, “I just MUST learn to make this!” It wasn’t intentional at all.
And yet, my kitchen evolution has gotten me to my early forties, where I can cook the heck out of just about anything. Give me five ingredients, and I’ll create a meal worthy of being photographed for a foodie magazine. Give me ten, and I’ll whip together something so good you’ll weep when you sit down and take a bite. How on earth did this happen?
The nearest I can determine, it comes from my ten years spent in the south, where cooking was truly an art form, and practically a cultural event. Dinner in a traditional southern family’s home – particularly in a coastal city -- is a mouth-watering and vibrant display of just-picked vegetables, greens, delicate meats, seafood so fresh that it was underwater yesterday, and fruit pies. I lived just fifteen minutes from the beach, and by default, the fishing docks. If I wanted fresh shrimp, I just got up on a Saturday morning and drove to the docks to get a back fresh off the boat. Likewise, oysters were there for the taking. Living there gave me an appreciation for seasonal, fresh food.
Then I returned to the Midwest, where food tastes are somewhat less fancified. Green bean casserole with cream of mushroom soup and canned fried onions is the typical potluck dish, everyone loads up on bratwurst and bagels, and meals are more focused on being comfort food than anything else. Living in one of the unhealthiest cities in America, I decided years ago that I didn’t want to be one of those people standing in the funnel cake line at the county fair. Instead, I wanted foods that tasted GOOD. I wanted to taste the flavors, and to do the meat or vegetable some justice. I wanted meals to be a celebration, rather than just the act of slopping ketchup on top of everything like my neighbors did.
And so I started experimenting. I’ve developed a pretty good idea of what flavors work well together, and I’ve also managed to learn that sometimes less can be more. Seasoning is crucial, and the right amount of salt can make or break a meal. I rarely measure anything, unless I’m baking, and I tell people, “You’ll know it’s done when it tastes right.” My table is always open, and no guest leaves my house hungry.
The downside, of course, is that sometimes my family eats things they’ve never heard of. But they’re good sports, and they consume my creations with a fair amount of enthusiasm. The upside is that they get home-cooked meals pretty regularly, pretty healthy ones at that, and they know that if they like something I’ve prepared, they’ll get it again.
Tonight’s dinner is Caribbean jerk chicken served over lemon and cilantro rice, with a side of mango salsa. I’m not using a recipe. But I guarantee it will be awesome. Stop by around seven if you’d like to load up a plate.

6.17.2011

Maybe I’ll Just Stay Home

by Patti Wigington



I never understood why my parents were so exhausted when we returned from vacations. Typically, about six to seven days in, everyone was grouchy and cranky – my brother and I fighting about who was over the line in the backseat – and I couldn't figure out why this was the case.

And then I became a parent.

It’s not that any of our vacations have every been on the grand scale of failure like the Griswolds, but each trip we go on seems to have some sort of issue that colors the entire rest of the journey.

One trip – which should have been an educational and entertaining visit to Colonial Williamsburg and the Shenandoah Valley – turned into a nightmare of Murphy’s Law. Hotel rooms which had been reserved in advance were mysteriously unavailable, or had half as many beds as we had planned on. A rental crib collapsed the moment my son stood up in it. Temperatures shot up over a hundred – in May --and there I was with a pair of hot, cranky 18-month-olds and a bored, cranky third-grader. My husband - also cranky - had his arm in a cast, thanks to a broken shoulder, and was heavily medicated on Percocet. I’d have happily traded places with him in an instant.

A couple of years later, when my twins were about three and my oldest eleven years old, we set out in the wee hours of the morning for the two-day drive to visit my parents in Florida. An hour after leaving the house, my youngest daughter threw up chocolate milk all over the back seat.

There I was, in a rest stop outside Chillicothe at four a.m. during a snowstorm, trying to change my poor child’s vomit-covered sleeper in a cold restroom, mopping her off with chilled baby wipes and holding her under the hand-dryer, while my husband tended to the chore of cleaning the mini-van – and trying to keep our other two children from upchucking as well. I had to pull into a truck stop in West Virginia to buy incense just to cover the smell in the car. On that same trip, I won the Worst Mom Ever Award when I shut the same kid’s finger in the sliding door. Eight years later, she still reminds me of it.

Then there’s the ever-present problem of moms never truly being on vacation. Even if we’re at the beach or Great Big Adventure World of Fun, someone’s got to be in charge of making sure everyone eats on time, has clean underpants, and knows what to do if they get lost. Someone has to do laundry in the hotel sink, figure out where we can eat, and keep the boy-child from falling into the Gulf of Mexico while chasing seagulls. And that someone is always me.

Helpful friends often point out that if I flew my family to our destinations it would be a lot more efficient, thus decreasing the potential for disaster. I’ve looked into airfares for a family of five, but it would mean taking out a second mortgage, and I’d still have to rent a car when I got there.

Knowing my luck, someone would probably throw up in it.

5.20.2011

You Can’t Go Home Again

As a kid, I lived in northern New Jersey. I tell people that, and they assume that I mean the New Jersey shown on television, where life is an endless series of turnpike exits, Bada-Bing clubs, and Bruce Springsteen videos. My New Jersey was a small town in the mountains, full of Revolutionary War-era homes, old mines, rocky caves, clear lakes and tall pine trees. The backdrop of my childhood looked more like the scenery in Last of the Mohicans than The Sopranos.

We lived less than an hour from Manhattan, and my friends were kids whose immigrant parents had fled the city for quieter pastures. Second-generation Italian, Jewish and Irish families had made their way to New Jersey. Many had grandparents who had escaped Europe just in time –and I had more than one classmate whose family had Lost Someone. Dinner at a friend’s house nearly always included someone with an accent.
In the summer, we were outside all day long. We ran through the woods, played in caves, explored the abandoned clubhouse up on the hilltop – which I later realized looked a bit like the hotel in The Shining – and built tree forts. We went swimming in Cupsaw Lake, the same place we’d go ice skating six months later. During the winter, we had to get about three feet of snow for schools to close. On days like that, full-size igloos and snow forts dotted yards all over the neighborhood.
School field trips included annual sojourns to Tarrytown, New York, to visit the birthplace of Washington Irving. This was always done in the fall, so the trip included a hayride over the notorious bridge where Ichabod Crane encountered the Headless Horsemen. Let me tell you, there was a whole lot of pants-wetting going on when the hay cart stopped on the bridge under a gray November sky, because we could all hear those hoof beats if we listened hard enough.
It was a great place to be a kid. We moved away when I was twelve. Three years ago, on the way back from a trip to Maine, we decided to detour through northern New Jersey so I could show my kids the house I grew up in. It looked so very, very small. It was hard to believe that a house that held so many memories could be so tiny. Other than the house, though, the scenery hadn’t changed much. Cupsaw Lake is still invaded by swimmers every summer, the hilltop clubhouse is still there, although it’s been renovated and the secret entrance long since boarded up. The little Jewish and Italian grandmas are long gone.
Stephen King said, in his novella The Body (which later went on to be the movie Stand By Me) that you never have friends again like the ones you had when you were twelve. It’s true, and of more than friends. The place you live your childhood, your formative years, is the one you take with you for the rest of your life. No matter where else you live, there’s nothing quite like the town where you were happy to be a kid.

4.06.2011

Mark of the Beast

by Patti Wigington


When I was seventeen, I had the coolest car on the planet. It was a 1967 Chevrolet Impala Super Sport convertible. Nineteen feet long, and in a color that can only be described Arrest-Me Red, it sported a 327 under the hood, and a gas tank the size of my parents’ bathtub.

Whenever I went out with friends, I drove. It was partly because the Impala looked cool, but mostly because you could comfortably (although illegally) squash eight people into it and still have room for purses, Bon Jovi tapes, and cans of White Rain hairspray.

This was 1985, and I spent all of my hard earned (i.e., burger-flipping) money on that car. It ran like a champ, despite the layers of Bondo holding the rear end together. The biggest problem with the car – affectionately known as The Beast – was one of the things that made it so glorious. It was heavy. I’m talking armored-car heavy. I’m talking about “my grandfather could have used it to liberate a small German village” kind of heavy. And so, because of this massive weight, occasionally Bad Things Happened.

For example, a Bad Thing happened when I missed a curve and plunged The Beast about fifty feet into a muddy cornfield at midnight. I drove home dragging muddy cornstalks behind me, like giant golden tentacles. There was a Bad Thing when I swerved to miss a squirrel and ended up hitting a mailbox, which shot, cannonball-style, into the yard across the street. And then, the most Bad of Bad Things, there was the Boob Incident.

I was in my parents’ driveway, top down -- the car’s, not mine. I stood at the front quarter panel, where the open driver’s door joined the body of the car. I leaned forward, probably to pick something off the windshield, and made some comment about cracked Bondo.

Then it happened.

The door. Swung. Shut.

And when it did, it managed, somehow, to pin the underside of my right breast between the triangular driver’s side window at the front of the door, and the heavy outer edge of the windshield. I was pinned. Held in place.

Boobie-trapped.

I remember, after the initial shock of OHMYGAWDITSGOTMYBOOB, trying to reach over and open the door. But remember, this was a car that was nineteen feet long. I couldn’t reach the door handle.

Twenty-odd years later, I can’t recall who was there when it happened. Possibly my best friend, or maybe my boyfriend. What I do know is that I did the only thing I could think of, once I realized I was stuck in the car door.

I pulled away.

And let me tell you, it hurt. It hurt a lot. It left a mark four inches long and two inches wide, angry purple and throbbing, right there on my boob. It took weeks for that bruise to fade, but worse, it took a long time to get over the humiliation of admitting, “Um, yeah, I shut my boob in a car door.”

There was no long-term damage to anything other than my pride, but to this day, when I see the rare animal that is a 1967 Chevy Impala Super Sport Convertible, I cringe a bit, and whisper, “You’re not gonna get me this time, Beast.”


Patti Wigington began writing at the age of seven, when she ran out of books to read in her small-town library. Since then, she's grown up (a little) and published a couple of books, a whole bunch of columns, and a few short stories she's embarrassed to even have on her resume. In addition to writing, Patti spends her free time putzing around in her garden, coming up with new and exciting ways to re-use stuff she didn't think she wanted anymore, dying her hair odd colors, and full-contact recipe experimentation. She is married to the most patient man in the world, and is raising three children who are remarkably well-adjusted, despite their mother's best efforts to turn them into very strange people. Patti lives in central Ohio, and keeps people updated about her shenanigans at http://www.pattiwigington.com.
 

3.25.2011

Is There a 12-Step Program for This?

You wanted a skylight... where?
by Patti Wigington

I’m in my forties, and I have an addiction. It’s not even really my fault. I know, I know, you’re saying that I’m failing to take responsibility for my own shortcomings. I get that. But much like any other hopelessly enabled junkie, I place the blame strictly with someone else.

Ty Pennington.

Yep, the guy from “Extreme Home Makeover”. He’s responsible for my addiction to home improvement projects.

It all started years ago, when I bought a 1930’s two-story frame house in one of our city’s oldest neighborhoods. It was the first home I’d ever owned, and so I promptly began looking at the possibilities.

Ugly carpet begging to be replaced?

Check.

Plain white walls and a hideous yellow kitchen countertop with green linoleum?

Check, check, check.

So I spent the first year or so looking at all the things that were wrong with the house, and making notes, and pondering.

And then I discovered “Trading Spaces.” You remember that show, right? Back in the 1990s, host Paige Davis perkily encouraged neighbors to swap rooms for a weekend, and couples who started out as friends began remodeling and renovating rooms on each other’s behalf.

Some of the results were hideous – plastic sheeting stapled to a ceiling, for example. Others were scary, such as the genius idea of cementing shards of broken glass into a fireplace in a home with toddlers.

But through it all, Ty Pennington was there, toolbelt slung low, cracking jokes, and showing suburban housewives that they too could wield a circular saw. He showed us that we could use nail guns, and take apart a cabinet and refinish it ourselves. Who doesn’t love a guy that’s cute, funny, and can build stuff? When I met him in person at a home improvement expo, it was like meeting the President – you know, if the President was young, hot, and smelled really good.

I remodeled my house with reckless abandon. Texturing walls, wiring lights, demolition – oh, god, how I love swinging a sledgehammer – laying tile… you name it, I did it. Build a deck? Done it. Split two tons of rocks – by hand -- into edging for a garden? Child’s play, baby.

And then, when I ran out of things to remodel, I did what any other addict would do. I bought another house. It was built in 1972, and last decorated around 1973.

Now the cycle has continued – I’ve painted everything there is to paint. I’ve tiled every room I could put tile in. I’ve replaced every light fixture, sanded every cabinet, and renovated every bathroom. I built a sunroom and a patio, a fence, a kitchen counter and more. And after nearly eight years in my second house, I see the end of the process. The high has worn off.

There’s nothing left to improve.

I know the smart thing to do would be to quit. After all, I’ve acknowledged my addiction, and that’s the first step, right?

But I can’t. I have to take something that’s hideous and awful and turn into something beautiful, something that tells people that this is my space. Something that marks it as my own.

There’s only one solution, and I know Ty would understand.

Anyone want to buy a nice house in the suburbs, completely updated?



Image credit: crestwoodla.com

2.21.2011

Crushing on Mr. Darcy

by Patti Wigington

We’ve all had crushes on fictional characters. Back in 1978, I knew darn well that someday Han Solo would be my boyfriend. Other girls preferred the freshly blow-dried and needy Luke Skywalker, but not me. No, I wanted a guy with blaster pistols and an upgraded Corellian Engineering Corporation YT-1300 stock light freighter. Han Solo was a space pirate.

Later, I moved on from Han to various teen-movie crushes, although (again) not the ones my friends liked. While my girlfriends were dreamily tacking up posters of Tom Cruise’s Maverick from “Top Gun,” I had a magazine photo of Val Kilmer’s snarky and arrogant Iceman in my locker. Patrick Swayze’s slick moves in “Dirty Dancing” did nothing for me, but Judd Nelson with his combat boots and trench coat in “The Breakfast Club”? Yowza. He even had an earring, which back then meant you were either a rebel or European.

Clearly, I developed an early track record of liking men whose personality was, shall we say, leaning towards the abrasive. Men who didn’t care what anyone thought of them. Men who did what they liked because they wanted to, not because it was expected of them. Men who, if you dated them in real life, would probably say something to you cry on prom night, but you’d still love them anyway because they brought you a corsage without anyone reminding them.

And so, I met Fitzwilliam Darcy.

In a college English Lit class, I was assigned the reading of Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.” I had never read Austen before, and perhaps it was a good thing – I don’t think I was ready for Darcy until then.

Fitzwilliam Darcy meets Elizabeth Bennet near the opening chapters of P&P, and promptly acts like a total jerk. Lizzie, being too much of a lady to say, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that you, sir, are an ass,” laughs it off, allowing him to get a glimpse of her “fine eyes.” Then she ignores him, rebuffs him, recognizes him for the stubborn, proud man he is, and finally – despite her best judgment – falls in love with him. So do the rest of us, and many of us did so before we suspected Darcy might resemble Colin Firth or Matthew McFadyen. And how can we not love Darcy? He’s arrogant and proud and taciturn but he’s got a good heart. He will quietly do what needs to be done for the benefit of those he loves, and ask nothing in return. On the surface, he’s overly proud – and yet the fault is partly Lizzie’s, because she in turn is prejudiced against him for what she believes him to be. It is only when she learns his true nature that she realizes what we already know – that Darcy, for all his flaws, is a hell of a guy.

So I’ll continue to have crushes on the Darcys of the world. They’re flawed, they’re damaged, and sometimes they’re outright fools. Most likely, they’re nothing but trouble, and will probably make us say bad words and throw vases at their heads before we’re done with them.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t want them any other way.