Everything ends -- or how the film "Cocktail" is totally like this website

by Jason Tudor

"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end" gets uttered by a bartender named Coughlin in a film called "Cocktail." That he uttered those words in "Cocktail," one of the 1980's 10 Worst "Films With Feathered Hair and Acrobatic Drinking Tricks" doesn't mean the phrase isn't worth examining in light of recent events.

I'll just throw out a few as retrospective: Octomom. Jersey Shore. John Edwards. Crystal Pepsi. The Magic Johnson Hour. 24-hour cable news (Wait. That still exists ...). Even "Cocktail" ended by allowing Tom Cruise to make more movies. This is life's little cruel stubbing of its own toe over and over again.

Conversely, An Army of Ermas ends its run Sept. 30. By no means will it end badly. Rather, it will simply end. And there should be more: fireworks, live sign-off, ticker-tape parade, immigrants selling fake Rolex watches and glowing light sticks. You get the idea.

This thing shouldn't end, but it will. So, in reflection, let's peek at what Ermas has brought you:

-- As of this writing, there are 410 columns written by about 30 different columnists. So, almost every other day for the past two years, one of us has told you about driving Fieros, boob smashing or cooking something delicious. To recap: cars, boobs and food. You win.
-- Much like the mixed drinks Cruise's Brian Flanagan makes, the stories you've been introduced to come from a line-up of funny, talented people with diverse, wonderful backgrounds. Stalk them like old boyfriends. Every single one of them will be more famous than Usain Bolt's after-parties before you know it.
-- If the numbers are right, you've shared this stuff like college kids share good weed (or, at least, that's what the college kids tell me). In other words, Ermas are all over the Web like a snotty cold at a daycare center. Again, that's a good thing. So many of my colleagues deserve that electron-warming loving that only you can provide with the stroke of a 'send' or 'like' button.

There's more to be sure. For my own part, I've scratched out about two dozen columns and waited for the comments to roll in. Sometimes there were many and with others, the crickets kept me company as we watched the stars twinkle in the midnight of the Internet. That's okay. Humor, especially the kind that Erma Bombeck wrote, is tough, like seeing Elisabeth Shue suck it up for 104 minutes next to Cruise's Foghorn Leghorn rooster hair. I won some. I lost some.

And rather than Elmer Fudd blasting Daffy Duck's bill around to the other side of his face for the next 20 days or so, you'll get another version of Looney Tunes. Our version. It's more like the colonoscopy that went A-OK. And, no: it won't end badly, but like "Cocktail" with a brand new bar and twins on the way, it will end.

To quote my beloved editor of this site, "Now, scoot."

Jason Tudor is a writer and illustrator. He is also the creator and co-host of the hour-long podcast "The Science Fiction Show." You can continue to find him at www.jasontudor.com or www.myscifishow.com.


  1. Will miss you guys!

  2. I sincerely hope to see all of these writers works somewhere else on the this world wide web of ours. Jason my friend, it was your post that brought me to this site and I thank you for a few awesome years of entertainment that I likely would ave never found.
    Good luck with all your future endeavors, well at least those that I am working with you on.


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