Water makes me poop.

by Julie Fletcher

For some, water can be fatal.

My 3-year-old son enlightened me to the danger. If not for him- I may be in critical condition, right now.

Yesterday my husband and I had decided it was time to pull the soft drink I.V. drip to the 3 year old. Go ahead and tell me of the evils of pop. When you're done, I'll let Rob Jr give you a run down on what's wrong with water. Trust me- after you hear his lecture, you'll run right out to buy him a 20 oz bottle, if only to get him to shut up.

Normally I am very proud of my children's eating habits. They eat tomatoes like apples, beg for salad and think broccoli is a treat. How often do you hear kids fight over the broccoli stem? We're not even vegetarians, so hush your filthy mouth, now. I love my bacon. Try to take my steak and you'll end up with a bloody nub. Don't even tell me how the cow suffered for my tastebuds, I was born and raised a farm girl, raised my own cows, and ATE them. Pass me the A1, Skippy.

Whoa. /rant.

Back to the deadly water.

So yesterday Jr asks for a drink. I get him some water. The next thing I know the little man is yelling at me. "No, no water! Water is nasty."

"Water is not nasty, honey. It makes you grow."

"No. NO water. It makes me throw up."

"Honey, it does not. Now drink your water."

He gave me a look that made it pretty clear what he thought I could do with both myself and the water. Later I offered him water again. This time I was informed, "Water makes me poop." After some coaxing, he drank it. I mean, really. Water makes him poop? God forbid the Zombie Apocalypse happens and this kid can't find Pepsi. Maybe he can poop the zombies to death.

The biggest problem was that he'd seen the bottles of Pepsi his dad had stashed. Honest, you cannot have Pepsi inside of this house- the kid can smell it. Upstairs and in a hidden closet- he just knows.

I was feeling pretty good about everything this morning though. He came into the kitchen while I made breakfast- asked for drink. Gave him water, no complaints. SCORE! Battle won.

"Mommy what you cookin'?"

"Pancakes, hun."

"Pancakes make me die."

They Shall Own The World

As I sip on my coffee the dulcet tones of small children seep through the walls of my home office. Sweet music to a smiling, relaxed mother ready to start the workday. Ah...working from home is so rewarding.

Yeeeeah. Right.

I would love to meet that work at home mom- and strangle her. Behind every smiling picture of some hot stay at home mommy is a cracked-out sister in law that has a way with make-up. A gaggle of snot-nosed kids and a husband that's still whining because he hasn't gotten any for a few days. Hello, Sunshine, if you'd stop reading the erotica I'm writing, you wouldn't be so horny. Get away from me with that- we have enough children. K? Thanks.

Lately The DirtMonkies (tm) have decided that they would rather play computer games than let mom or dad work. While it is great that the 3 year old can navigate the WWW as good as his parents, it bothers me that my 5 year old found commands for World of Warcraft that I didn't even know about. There's something sinister about a cherub faced princess that comes up beside you while you're desperately trying to kill a plauge-ridden beast and says : "Mom, you're doing it wrong. Don't you think you should try the 0/0/71 Destro build? Your warlock sucks."

With a loving pat to the head, I smiled, thanked her, then sent her to watch Scooby-Doo. Later that night, whilst my little cuddly baby was deep in slumber, I rebuilt my character to her specifications. I then promptly blew the hell out of any rotten-fleshed baddie that I came across. Plus a few bunnies. Genius, that child is, pure genius. I'm a little scared that I may be raising a super-villan. Or a whole fortress of them, though I am quite sure that the 5 year old will be the head of their organization.

If you're not very familiar with those types of computer games I'll shed a little light on this. The above has been debated on Blizzard's (the makers of WoW) forums and many other forums across the web. There are entire websites devoted to the very best 'build' for killing monsters and such. Adults write lengthy guides and How-To's on how to skin a chicken in WoW. My little one knew instinctively that burning the crap out of anything as fast as possible was the best way to go.

Lately Lucas, the 1 year old, has been crawling onto my computer chair and tapping on the keyboard. I think he's ready to write for Cracked.com. That or he's sending out some sort of signal to the rest of BabyLand.

"The adults are busy. Sister created diversion. Drop diaper bombs. NOW."

Speaking of which, I smell something and it ain't my coffee. Peace!