Where oh where have my things gone?

My stuff is no longer just mine. You name it and my kids have “borrowed” it from me. Sometimes I am aware of these transactions, sometimes I am completely left in the dark.

My sons used to raid my sock drawer. I eventually ran out of socks since they were just as adept at losing my socks as they were their own and had to put some thought as to how to keep the little foot hosiery thiefs at bay. I decided on buying myself all girly-girl type of socks, complete with lots of pink and hearts or flowers. Shortly thereafter I found my 8-year-old wearing one boys ankle sock on his left foot and a pink one of mine on his right.

This is a widespread problem that affects more than my sock drawer. They love my socks, shoes (yes, shoes!), pens, brush, toothbrush and all manner of things they should have been keeping track of for themselves. It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t lose my item as well. And of course, it would be a whole lot nicer if they would ask first. Since none of the above applies, it drives me completely nuts. I end up overreacting over the simplest of matters. One of them will “borrow” my scissors and then I’ll see that same child in the backyard five minutes later. All of a sudden I have a vision of my scissors growing rusty, hiding in the lawn for some unsuspecting soul (me) to find in the most unpleasant way. Prompted by my horrorific imagination I scream, “Did you put my scissors back?” I am single-handedly pissed purple.

Who knew I would one day care so vehementally about office supply products? But when you can’t find what you need in the last place you put it you either start to believe you are going crazy or a child has taken and lost it.

The scissors may have made it back to the desk drawer but I have lost countless rolls of tape, staples, erasers, and markers. I guess I do have a right to be so overprotective. My local office supply store is beginning to recognize me and remember my name.

It may seem extreme but I am one lost pair of socks or stapler away from buying a huge safe and placing all of my items in there. But as luck would have it, I’m no good at remembering number combinations. And my children are uncannily stealthy about getting past locks of any sort. Shoot, some of them got past the birth control barrier to be conceived.

Micro-Sized Birthday Budget

Recently we celebrated my second son's 11th birthday. Of all the things he could ask for, including a pony, he requested, no--he desired, yenned for, would only be happy with one thing: a laptop.

My first reaction was that this was way out of the birthday budget and thus crushed his hopes and dreams by telling him to think of something else. Well, he couldn't. Only a laptop would do. Butthead.

Being the wonderful, gracious mother that I ultimately am, I decided to do some research. We found a local store that held some promise in the form of less expensive laptops. Off we went.
The whole way to the store I was thinking: Why don't they prepare you for this in high school during Health Education or Home Economics when they discuss sex? Surely, the possibility of having to spend hundreds of hard-earned dollars on a child for his birthday might convince one couple to use a condom prior to getting it on. I am sure that at least one woman immediately refilled her birth control prescription after seeing my chaotic gang of 5 kids at the store.

So there we were shopping, feeling a bit disappointed as most of the laptops were at least the cost of one whole paycheck. I went from feeling saddened to feeling mad at the child. What the hell was he thinking? There has been no precedent in this family that would demonstrate that several hundred dollars was an acceptable birthday budget. Why didn't he just ask for a space shuttle while he was at it? Go big or go home 'lil fellow!

We did ultimately find a laptop we could afford, but not before I considered a whole new laptop specimen: the Netbook. It looked like a computer for hobbits. Seriously, who can work on something so small? If bought that for my son, and it did cross my mind since it did cost considerably less, he would end up spending hours hunched over it. Soon he'd be complaining of neck and headaches like a stressed out, middle-aged, white-collar drone. I'd hate to rush his future for him.

Besides this netbook, plus his other "micro" sized electronics would surely have some detriment on his posture. The shrinking size of our children's electronics is such that when you combine the effects of handheld video games, text messaging and the use of a netbook (and some laptops as well) we will be raising a generation of hunchbacks.

We opted for a laptop and I was in shock the whole way home. The only way I could get myself to chill was to tell myself that if he didn't treat it properly or use it regularly I would be well within my rights to confiscate it. I mean, what's he going to do? Run after me? Last time I checked I could out run a hunch-backed hobbit.