The Mom Herd

by Stacey Graham

My toddler just tried to convince me her father told her it was okay to eat two pop-tarts the size of her head.   What's worse is that she almost had me believing her.  Definitely a sign to get out of the house more, I'm going back to work outside the home.  No more DVDs of princesses outwitting evil animated overlords, no more fishing choking-hazard sized dolls out of the toilet because "they wore a swim suit"; I'm going back to where women wear shoes all day long.  My friends think I'm crazy.

"Give up happy hour?" Marlene asked.  Like sneaking wine in a sippy cup on the cul de sac was such a covert operation that they felt naughty and delicious at the same time. 

I'm breaking from the Mom Herd mentality that stalked my days for the last ten years.  Clothed in light brown capris with the mom butt looming in my future, I knew I had to make a run for it.

"I don't want to," I half-lied.  I didn't want to get up and look human before 9am but sacrifices must be made for the sake of my sanity.  "Bryan totally supports this since he'll be home with the girls while I’m working."  Yeah.  Working from home for him meant no shaving and...wait, it did me too.  Nevermind.  Years as a freelance writer had me spoiled, good lord, I actually have to wax that unibrow more often now! 

"I have two interviews lined up for next week..." I started.

"Have you finished the paper mache state of Virginia yet for 2nd grade?  Mrs. Zimmburton said in the class newsletter that you were in charge of the Piedmont."  Becky examined her nails while I backed away; I knew what was coming next.  "You know, you really need to check with us first before you go running off.  As Room Mother, you have a responsibility to..."

I can't wait until next week.

Ironically, Stacey returned to writing after forging ahead into the workforce after this article in 2008. She couldn't keep up with the shaving. She's now happily fishing more Barbie shoes out of the toilet and bouncing on trampolines with her four-year-old when not writing about zombies. Please visit her blog and The Zombie Dating Guide.

Photo credit: toothpastefordinner.com


  1. Yes to jumping on trampolines with four-year-olds!

    Yes to working from home!

    Yes to wearing capris or even bunny slippers while you - well, see number two.

    More power to you, Stacey!

  2. I love this piece! And not just because the cartoon makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. ;) You've nailed that Erma B. style. When I started working from home, I burned my pantyhose to celebrate. Next time I'll take them off first.

  3. I'm down to two bras now. Optional, of course. Also, I have learned that my husband's socks are much comfier than mine, even if the heels do come up to the backs of my knees. Yay for never having to put on pantyhose or punch a time clock again! Sláinte


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.