Extreme Halloween

by Amy Mullis

I read in the paper that a man tried to filch a ferret by carrying the creature out of the store concealed in his pants.  From what I know about ferrets, that’s going out of the safety zone for a Halloween costume.  Without too much bother, it could give a whole new meaning to the term “rip off.”

Personally, I’ll go all out in a race for the last macadamia nut cookie, especially if it’s generously decorated with white chocolate chips, but there are some forms of art I‘d rather not suffer for.  And while I’m a fan of creative Halloween costuming, I haven’t reached (or passed) the point in my life when I’m willing to take one in the naughty bits for the top prize at the party.

Forget your Freddie Krugers and your numerical Saw catalogue of characters (This outfit was brought to you by the numbers 1-6, your local hardware store, and Roger Ebert with a big thumbs down.). What could be scarier that a man dancing up to your doorstep with a frightened ferret fighting for a breath of fresh air stuffed down one leg of his Halloween zombie pants?

Call me crazy, but a costume that could result in a row of itching stitches across your butterfly tattoo is going beyond the call of duty for Halloween.   Some things aren’t worth going through for a fun size Snicker bar.

And while chances are good for winning a prize in the local costume contest, you have to consider the possibly that your pants could explode at an inconvenient time and attack the judges on a crazed candy rampage.  Seems like any loot this guy gets, he’d have to stuff down his right leg to appease the beast within.

I think I’ll stick with the costume I have.  I’m fifty years old and sport a body designed by Ben & Jerry.  Shovel me into a pair of hot pants and I’ll send ferret boy running back to the pet store for reinforcements.     

And Michael Jackson thought he had a Thriller night!

This exciting tail, um, tale, first appeared on my humor blog  Mind over Mullis in October, 2009. Join me there for more "I hope this never happens to me" moments, where real life is scarier than anything that happens on Halloween!

Photo credit: whereIamwearing.com


  1. I mean--those fun sized candy bars are pretty excellent....but you're right--if you're shoving something alive down your pants you're definitely doing Halloween wrong!

  2. You're right. For some folks Halloween might suck, but it should never bite!

  3. "itching stitches across your butterfly tattoo..." ROFL! Apparently this man has never, ever seen an episode of America's Funniest Videos.

  4. Maybe he'll be the star of the first episode he sees!

  5. LOL!!!! Now I'm having nightmares about critters invading my costume! Then again, I might finally win a dance contest that way.

  6. Carole, One word: YouTubeVideoGoesViral


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