MURFREESBORO, TN (ZP) – A car crashed on Interstate 24 just outside of Murfreesboro Sunday evening, closing the southbound lanes for over two hours and causing mass confusion among first responders.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Murfreesboro Police Department spokesman Ken Kinnison. “The crash didn’t cause any injuries, but there were body parts everywhere…one guy’s arm wound up on the hood of the car.”
The body parts came from the car’s occupants, zombies Jan Carlson, 152, from Boston, and Mike Carlson, 17, also from Boston, who was driving at the time of the accident.
When asked to clarify how body parts could be strewn around the crash
site, but no injuries be reported, Kinnison responded by excusing
himself to go vomit behind his cruiser.
“We heal quick,” said Jan Carlson, waving his arm around with his
still-attached hand. “Some super glue, maybe a couple stitches, and
we’ll be back out eating brai—I mean, selling vacuums in no time.”
Mike Carlson, the teenage great-great nephew of the elder zombie,
seemed more concerned about his car than about the fact that he now
had to hop on one leg around the crash site. “I just put a new dual
exhaust on it.”
The crash occurred at around 10:30 pm local time as the Carlsons
headed north on their vacuum sales route. According to Mike Carlson,
he was attempting to pass a semi truck moving “about the speed of a
turtle trying to molest a snail,” when the truck drifted over into the
passing lane and forced the Carlsons’ 1965 Ford Mustang into the
median. Carlson lost control of the vehicle, and it rolled into the
southbound lanes, where it was struck by another truck, passed into
the far south lane, bounced off the guardrail back into traffic, got
struck by a U-Haul trailer, and was pinballed around the southbound
lanes a few more times before coming to rest back in the median.
“It’s a good thing them boys is zombies,” said the driver of the
U-Haul, who pulled over to photograph any injuries that may have
resulted from the crash for later uploading to his subscription
website, bodiesandblood.com. “If they’da not been zombies, we’d be
scrapin’ ‘em off the highway into Tupperware bowls fer sure.”
It was unclear at press time what charges, if any, might result from
the crash, but Officer Kinnison seemed certain there would be some. “I
mean…they’re zombies. They eat people, right? That just ain’t natural.
There’s gotta be something we can charge ‘em with.”
He then excused himself to vomit again.