by Adam Slade
In the summer time, when the weather is fine,I step out the door, and catch on fire,When the weather’s right,I got burnin’, I got burnin’ on my mind.(Mungo Jerry are suing as we speak.)
Back in the UK, ‘summer’ seems to translate into ‘slightly less rain, let’s go to the beach with half the population and ride donkeys’.
We do see some nice days, but given that most Brits consider a good summer to mean a fortnight of warm weather, don’t head over there expecting to top up your tan. (Or your car. You think you have it bad with your prices? Double it. Even the mayor of London rides a bicycle to work.)
Notice I said ‘back’ in the UK. I’m currently in Canada, living it up with my sweetie. Thing is, while it gets considerably colder over here during the winter, it also gets quite a bit warmer during the summer months.
Ignoring the ever-spreading grey, I am a brunette. I was born with bright ginger hair, though, and while that grew out, the fair skin remained. As such, if I see more than six seconds of mildly warm sunshine, my skin adopts the colour of molten lava and my eyes turn milky white from the glare.
Last year I spent a fortnight in Canada, and managed to arrive just before a heatwave. The resulting orgy of heat and humidity had me hiding indoors with a fan on bust 24 hours a day, hoping for either a quick death or an ice cream.
And now I’m back. And summer’s approaching.
So I have formulated a five step program for dealing with the oncoming solar apocalypse that is temperatures above 25C:
1. Fans to remain on and pointed at my face at all times. If the fans should break, I will hire people to waft palm fronds at me.
2. To further aid my temperature, I will wear light clothing, such as t-shirts, shorts, and baseball caps. If this does not work, I will move to a thong and sunhat.
3. All keyboard keys will be replaced with carefully carved ice cubes. In the case of multiple electric shocks, I will start writing with pen and paper. Inside the refrigerator.
4. When required to leave the house, I will strap ice-buckets to my feet, so as not to scorch my tootsies. If the water begins to boil, tea will be served wherever I happen to be at the time.
5. Evenings will be spent immersed in jelly, as it retains its temperature for longer than water. For variety, I will use different flavours on different days of the week.
If these steps fail to work (I honestly don’t see how they could), I will fall upon my oft-used backup plan; whingeing and whining in the hope that someone will club me unconscious, thus rendering me immune to heat.
Not just a hat-rack.
Not just a hat-rack.
The result of a caveman breeding with an ingot of un-distilled sarcasm, Adam Slade was always going to go places. Some days he even makes it as far as the kitchen. Adam is an author of fantasy and humour works, and when he's not writing, he's reading or goofing off on the internet. You can read about his exploits on his blog, Editing Hat, and on his Twitter.