A Perfectly Satirical Advice Column

By Pauline Campos

Who's got a question they want answered? Who's dying for solicited advice that was only solicited because I figured the answers would make for a good column? No pushing, people....form a single file line right here. Who's first?

Dear Aspiring Mama: Where have all my winter socks gone?
-- LainaSpareTime

Laina,
(May I call you Laina?)

Your socks have obviously run away and eloped with my missing winter socks, as is evidenced by the spectacular number of unmatched singles I currently have taunting me in the basket in my living room. I'm going to assume your next question to me will be "But why? Why did my socks leave me, Pauline? Did I not show them enough affection? Did I expect too much of them?" And to be perfectly frank, the answer is this: Your socks left you because of that weird I Don't Like Other People Touching My Feet Rule of yours that keeps you from getting a pedicure. Because really, do you want to hug a foot that hasn't been dipped in paraffin at least twice in the last four weeks?

Exactly.

Dear Aspiring Mama: I've always wanted to know-- How do I deal with that not so fresh feeling?
-- Saving for Someday

Always a tough one. Let me figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of this Tootsie Pop and help Foreigner figure out what love is and then I promise I'll answer your question.

Dear Aspiring Mama: My boys are hitting puberty! Help! What do I do?
--BanteringBlonde

As the mother of a four-year-old girl who will eventually be dating, I am perfectly qualified to answer this question for you. Actually, I'm lying and in desperate need of advice on how far to run when my daughter realizes she has hormones. In fact, I've also been wondering if I'm totally doing this parenting thing wrong and if I should start funneling some of her college savings into a Future Therapy Slush Fund. Your thoughts?

Dear Aspiringmama: Sometimes I fantasize about going out for milk and moving to Como to search for George Clooney. Should I act?
--Ooph

I’d wait at least a few months. Give him a chance to get over the paranoia from my stalking…errr…Clooney search. I’d offer to drive with you but there’s the little matter of a restraining order...Send me a post card?

***

There ya have it, folks. Next time, I'm charging.

Advice from Miss Perception

By Carole Lee

Dear Miss Perception,

My husband, George, is such a jerk. I don’t know why I married him. My mother told me that he was no good, but I ignored her advice and married him anyway.

Every day, it’s something. Just yesterday, I hurried through the house just before he got home from work, vacuumed the living room, started dinner and had the table set when he walked in the door. I handed him the garbage to take out and the leash for Fido, and all he could say was, “I’m tired. Can’t we have supper first?” Well, I’m tired, too!

My brother, Fred, is living with us, and he says he can see firsthand why I am so upset. Last week, George yelled at him for drinking the last beer in the fridge. I say that if George wanted beer, he could have stopped on his way home from work. He’s not the only one who lives here.

Fred’s girlfriend isn’t having it any easier. Their baby is due in two months, but George refuses to switch bedrooms with them. I told him they need the space. The only thing George ever says is, “Has Fred found a job yet?” It’s like he doesn’t even care!

I am thinking about filing for divorce. I can’t continue to live with such a heartless, mean person anymore. Can you help me find a way to get through to George and show him the error of his ways? My mother, who lives next door, says her best friend’s son just got out of prison, and he’s looking for a girlfriend. He just got a job at the Piggly Wiggly, so he’s a pretty good catch. Do you think I should divorce George and move on to greener pastures?

Signed,
Idiot’s Wife

Dear Idiots,

I am reminded of an old joke I heard a long time ago.

A woman paid a visit to an attorney because she wanted to divorce her husband.

“Tell me, ma’am, what is your grudge?”

“Grudge? My husband is such a loser that we don’t even have a grudge; the car sits in the driveway.”

The attorney was confused, but pressed on.

“Well, does your Mister beat you up?”

“Oh, no. I get out of bed long before he does.”

The attorney tried again.

“Ma’am, I’m trying to figure out on what grounds you want a divorce.”

“Grounds? I thought it would happen in a courtroom!”

With that, the attorney reached the end of his tether.

“I can’t help you file for divorce until you give me a good reason why!”

“Oh! That’s easy. The idiot can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”

If this joke rings true, Idiots, you should see immediate improvement on the homefront. If not, I am reminded of a quote from French actor, Sacha Guitry:

“When a man takes your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”