Birds, Bees and Barbies

“Mama, how did the baby get in there?” my four-year-old demanded.

I had dreaded this moment the entire pregnancy, although at seven months along I figured I had gotten lucky to get this far. Her sweet moon-shaped face wrinkled in confusion as I stumbled along in my attempts to be clinical yet skirt around the whole sex issue.

“You know how Barbie and Ken really love each other?” I began, “Ken has a magic wand…”

“He’s Harry Potter?” she asked.

“No, not like that. Ken and Barbie decide to have a baby so they, sort of…” It was getting worse. My fifth grade sex ed. classes flooded my memory. Mr. Agnew had been red-faced as ten-year-old girls watched in horror as the egg and sperm met on warbled tape from the projection machine. I thought he was going to pass out when the subject of menstruation was approached.

Syenna started looking at her Ken doll in a new light, searching for his magic wand. I’m not sure this is what the manufacturer had in mind but I wasn’t too concerned since his plastic torso wasn’t anatomically correct. Still…

“It’s not in his hand,” she stated, still looking.

“What?” I was aghast that she had picked up on where my mind was traveling.

“His wand, he must’ve lost it playing with Barbie.” She ran to find the blonde doll as I pulled Ken’s shorts back up from around his knees.

My six-year-old daughter, Rowyn, returned with her, determined to find out why Ken was now being called Harry Potter.

“Mom, you know this isn’t Harry Potter. Ken has no lightening bolt on his forehead. Now, where’s his wand?” Rowyn began to search her toy box to see if she may have overlooked an accessory in the Barbie line up. Fifteen different incarnations of Barbie lay on the floor in various stages of dress, each one she and her sister would ask, “Do you have Ken’s wand?” then it would be thrown unceremoniously to the floor. Ken lay at the bottom of the pile and smiled. Typical.

I tried to sneak out of the room before laughing out loud. As I slowly closed the door I heard Syenna say, “Rowyn, do you know how babies get in mommies’ tummies?”

“Of course, Goofball. The daddy is a farmer and plants his love seed in the mommy and her tummy swells up like a watermelon until she pops out a baby. Daddy told me.”

“Oh. So where does the wand come in?” Syenna asked.

“That must be for waving around and making babies appear.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.


  1. Who would've guessed that Dad would have had an easier time with this. *runs off to examine all my old Barbies for the missing wand*

  2. “That must be for waving around and making babies appear.”

    :-D I can't stop giggling when I think of that.

  3. This kills me. Bird and Bees stories crack me up anyway, but add magic wands? Priceless!

    I think the best advice the boys ever got from Mr. Vagabond was, "Don't be silly. Wrap your willy".


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