3.29.2010

How it started...

I had a craving for a cream-filled coffeecake cupcake. My husband just stared. The shock was understandable. I’m a vegetarian, priding myself on organic cooking and a healthy lifestyle. Cream-filled coffeecakes were not in my diet. Neither were cheeseburgers, but the urge to chow down on a big, fat, juicy hunk of meat was undeniable. Slather it with ketchup, mustard, pickles, cheese, and I could have inhaled it in two bites. I spared him from the details of my dietary desires. Instead, I suggested a trip to the drugstore. It was time for test.

The box said to pee on the stick in the morning for the most accurate results and I instantly wondered if that made you more pregnant in the morning. What kind of mother would I be, asking idiotic questions like that? The kit came with two tests, so I decided to take one right away. Morning was 12 hours longer than I wanted to wait, but the next two minutes seemed like an eternity. In that vast white space between being a couple and becoming parents, questions flooded my mind. Can we afford a baby? How much will insurance pay? When will I finish school? Where will we put a child in our little townhouse? Do babies like to travel? Do kids? Will my hair fall out? Will it grow back? Can you shave your legs at 9 months pregnant? Will I want to? Why do they call it morning sickness if it lasts all day? Will I ever be able to eat again? Can a baby grow if I’m not eating? Am I already malnourishing a child? How much will it weight? How much will it hurt? Oh my god, will I need stitches? Will I make it out alive?

Panic. Pure terror gripped me and I walked out of the bathroom to sit on the bed. We sat for the next few minutes in near silence, pondering the changes to our lives. Dan broke the quiet.

“A baby! This could be good news,” his color matched mine, but his grin was unmistakable. I smiled at him and began my slow walk to back to the bathroom.

And the test said I was pregnant. Twice. Yes, I took it again. By the second positive, new questions reached out of the corners of my mind. Will we have a boy or a girl? A boy? What color eyes will he have? Will I be able to make him laugh? What will his personality be like? Will he be healthy? Happy? Squeezable? Will he sleep? Will I? Will he have siblings? Will I be a good mom? When will I hear his heartbeat? Will these questions ever end?

After 4 years and a million more questions, I’m fairly certain I found the answer to at least one of them. I'll let you decide which.

~Read more from Sara over at The Hero Complex where she tries to save the world, one. blog. post. at. a. time.

20 comments:

  1. I know the answer, you're a wonderful mom. =)

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  2. Great column, Sara. Thanks for sharing, and based on everything I see on Facebook, as the answer, I'll say that you ARE a fantastic mom. :)

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  3. Great post, Sara! And yes....parenting brings on several whirlwinds of questions. Too bad I don't have all the answers like I did when I was 16. ;)

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  4. you sound like the kind of mom that enables your kid to have all kinds of Tom Sawyer adventures!

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  5. Three makes it a charm, right? I know you're a great mom.

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  6. Gad...congrats.
    Any mom who is a vegetarian gets mother of the year in my book

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  7. I remember asking all those questions! Those questions turn to new ones with every passing year. Thanks for making me remember my "baby days." I needed that.

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  8. I think being a good mother is part of the whole. You're a wonderful person. <3

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  9. Y'all are so sweet! As promised, extra love is coming your way <3

    Amy, so true! Dare I ask if they ever end? LOL.

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  10. I'm glad you ask questions. You already know everything you know. If you don't ask, wisdom evades you. Good for you!

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  11. I love your posts, but I am reluctant to spoil them with my flippant, male-centric comments, which is why you never - until now - hear from me.

    I do love them though!

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  12. Tom, post away. I live in a male-centric world, I'm used to it. Thanks so much for reading and enjoying.

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  13. Nice post, Sara.

    Back when I took my first pregnancy test, the tests were not easy to read at all. No pink or blue, which would be easy. It was kind of a brownish circle. I stared and stared at it trying to figure out what it meant. Since I was not married at the time, I was torn between wanting it to be positive and wanting it to be negative. And I had the same kinds of thoughts and questions running through my mind. "If I am pregnant, will I make a good mother?"

    Of course, I also pondered, "If I am pregnant, will I have to raise this baby by myself?" Thankfully, I didn't have to.

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  14. Kathy, back when I was having babies, my pregnancy tests were little sticks like ketone sticks. Those were hard to read!

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  15. Nope, I agree. You've got to be one of the most conscious and aware moms. You're it!

    Great post. You took me back to my own tests and questions.

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  16. Great post - the cream-filled coffee cake craving is a funny way to figure it out. It seems like mothers always know deep down before the test tells us.

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  17. Oh, I knew. I definitely know both times. Mine weren't tests--they were confirmations.

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  18. Me, too! I knew for sure about 3 weeks before I even took the test. I would have been maybe 2 weeks pregnant. Crazy how moms know. :)

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  19. And to think, men sometimes wonder how we just know things. : )

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  20. This is so sweet! I knew before the test too...

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