Celebrity Spokespersons of the Future

by Susan Law Corpany

It seems like just yesterday that Lee Majors was on television as The Six Million Dollar Man and Lindsay Wagner was amazing us as The Bionic Woman.  The other day I caught the tale end of Mr. Majors hawking a product called The Bionic Hearing Aid.  Sorry, but a hearing aid is a hearing aid.  And a well-rested Ms. Wagner regularly extols the virtues of the Sleep Number Bed.  What’s next? 

As inevitable as the fact that these celebrities have come to need these products is the fact that someday the product (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) will outlive the spokesperson.  I think it is not too soon to start considering some replacement spokespersons.

It would be fitting for a geriatric Sean Penn to take over as spokesperson for Colonial Penn Life Insurance, the affordable life insurance with guaranteed acceptance for people fifty and over.

Bill Cosby could turn over the Jell-o account to his on-screen son, Malcolm Jamal Warner.

Perhaps Gwyneth Paltrow has enough “Wessonality” to replace Florence Henderson as the representative for Wesson Oil.  Only time will tell.

Imagine an aging Paris Hilton, strains of I Get Around by the Beach Boys playing in the background, showing us that one can still go clubbing in a Hoveround Chair.

If George Clooney can grow a respectable cookie-duster moustache, in another couple of decades he could be a reasonable replacement for Wilford Brimley as the new voice of Quaker Oatmeal.

Replacing June Allyson as “the face of Depends Underwear”—that really is the wording on the website—would give Madonna an excuse to pose scantily clothed in her declining years as she hawks this important product to her contemporaries.

Still trying to improve her parental image, a grandmotherly Brittany Spears could replace Sally Struthers in exhorting people to “think of the children” as spokeswoman for the Christian Children’s Fund.

Julia Roberts could use her megawatt smile to extol the virtues of Dentucreme.

I’m saddened by the fact that I likely won’t live long enough to see it.


  1. LOL! Or Angelina and Brad brewing coffee when suddenly all their children show up from college for the holidays. *sniff*

  2. Great post, LOL! I'd much rather see Lee Majors sell bionic Viagra. Rowr.


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