You'd Better Forget Me Not

by Jason Tudor

By now, many of you wives, girlfriends and significant others should be unlocking the doors of the doghouses your husbands, boyfriends and significant others have been behind since forgetting about Valentine’s Day. The aforementioned men have made up for these transgressions through several dozen floral deliveries and performed enough around-the-house labor to make the Hebrews that built the pyramids blush. Though couch cushions can now breathe a sigh of relief following the old man’s exodus, something still lingers.

You may recall that the days that immediately followed V-Day became this run-on sentence: “How are you doing you look great can I get that for you did I tell you how much I love you I love that blouse your mom is so cool I love watching  Oprah with you is there enough time for us to snuggle I did that because I love you lookee here I made dinner again let me vacuum today mopping is no problem at all babe did you lose weight?” There were those other awkward moments, too, like when he smiled at you, like a dog seeking a treat. Instead, you patted him on the head and left him on the porch.

Forgetting is not a regular occurrence, but I witnessed it this year. Not only did the guy forget, but then he made like it was no big deal. There were enough pregnant pauses in the excuses given to fill maternity ward. Doesn’t matter. DEFCON One of romantic days and this guy forgets to bring his family into the shelter with him? He might as well have taken a shotgun and given Cupid a double-barreled facial.

Call it a racket, but there were 92,000 wedding ceremonies in Las Vegas this year. Consumers spent about 115 bucks each on Applebee’s, roses and those little candy hearts with phrases like, “I’m crazy in love enough to cut you.” Those who missed it, got punished and subsequently went into “whipped” mode for the days that followed understand this burden. Those who decry the event as little more than commercial pandering don’t.

Admittedly, there are degrees to this, but forgetting Valentine’s Day is a lot like a bankruptcy -- it stays on your record for about seven years, your credit rating is pretty much a mess the whole time (despite what you do to make up for it), and no one ever REALLY forgets it. In some circles, it ranks right up there with calling out the wrong name during sex  or saying, “You know, your sister’s kinda hot” anytime at all.

For the guys emerging today, welcome back. The dog says “thanks.” He  also offering to help you get signed up for Google Calendar.

I might look into it.

Jason did NOT miss Valentine’s Day this year (though he admits he’s done it once). Filled with lies and half truths, you can read more about Jason on his bio page.