Basically, Mr. Vagabond and I are good, decent, law-abiding American citizens. The “law-abiding” part is diluted by the fact that we are also undomesticated five-year-olds who just happen to have driver’s licenses. Behold, the top closest calls we have ever had with the law, yet remained unshackled afterward. They’re in no particular order. Any near-miss with the pokey is equally unappealing.
1. Walking into a federal prison and not being discovered until we were lost somewhere back in their administrative offices.
This could have ended very badly, especially when the guard (who had left his post) showed up, escorted us outside and said in an threatening tone, “You can’t just walk into a federal prison!” I had to kick Mr. Vagabond in the ankle to keep him from saying what was on both our minds: Apparently, you can! In our mutual defense, the unmanned, unlocked front doors said “Enter” and I was there to serve papers on an inmate. Who knew that the only person who can serve papers on a federal inmate was the local sheriff? Well, ya do now.
2. Peeing on the heads of several well-dressed nuclear scientists at a high-security military installation.
Mr. Vagabond is the owner of this little escapade. Since he isn’t here to defend himself, I should explain. He was working at the top of a 400-foot cell phone tower, and it was a foggy day. Visibility was poor, and he had to pee. Later that day, had a difficult time keeping silent when one of the scientists said, “We almost called off the testing today because it rained for a minute.” You just can’t make this stuff up.
3. Having naughty time outside in broad daylight in a state park at the top of a mountain while using a juniper shrub for balance.
While this was probably illegal, it was also ill-advised. Junipers are prickly. I won’t go into any more detail. You’re welcome.
4. Trying (both unsuccessfully and unawares) to smuggle a half-empty bottle of tequila onto a super high-security Army base.
I swear, we didn’t know it was there. Yeah, that look on your face is how the Army police looked at us, too. I thought Mr. Vagabond threw it away, he thought I threw it away... at any rate, we had also forgotten about the half-empty bottle of wine under my seat and the camera that those fearless, uniformed men found just as they were wrapping up the search of our vehicle. That was a fun day!
5. Traipsing through a graveside funeral in an old cemetery while highly inebriated.
We’re beginning to sound like alcoholics, but there is an explanation. Mr. Vagabond had been out of town for several weeks. When he came home, we celebrated with rum. In our weakened mindset, we figured taking a walk was a terrific idea. The closest place to walk and avoid traffic at the same time was a small cemetery. And so we did. Because we’re smart like that.
I don’t advocate any of the stupidity listed above, but it sure does make for interesting dinner conversation.